The Mystery of the Missing Wallet

Hammer Time!

2006-06-11T23:11:00.000-06:00

Word to your mother.

Jacques Cousteau Could Never Get This Low

2006-06-01T23:04:00.000-06:00

Fact: Heather Robinson, an America On-Line customer service representative, sold her pitch for the Hillary Duff vehicle The Perfect Man by stealing Carrie Fisher's e-mail address from an AOL database, stalking her for a while, then sending her copy of the treatment. Ms. Fisher pimped the idea, the movie was made, and now Robinson and Fischer are, like, BFFs 4-ever, with Ms. Fisher set to star in a memoir film about Ms. Robinson's rise to Holywood prominence.

Fact: James Blunt, a former British army officer, scored a lucrative record deal when Carrie Fisher put his demo in the hands of the right people following Blunt's three-month residence in Leia's pool house. Whether or not Ms. Fisher's demo-pimping services were rendered as thanks for Mr. Blunt's performance of additional duties as Ms. Fisher's "pool boy" (if you know what I mean) is irrelevant. A deal was made and Mr. Blunt went on to score a number-one hit with the stalkerish "You're Beautiful."

Now just throw in some stuff about a dude with a serious Indiana Jones complex, and a little freaky-deaky, hieros gamos style, and we have ourselves the outline of the latest novel from The Mystery of the Missing Wallet Center for Advanced Future Studies Press. The novel, of course, is entitled Da Mystery of ~~Chessboxin'~~ da Vinci Code, and through the course of the novel it is revealed that Carrie Fisher has one wicked jones for taking in and rehabilitating creepy strays. It's publishing gold.

I originally saw this posted on the Lily Allen thread on ILX: Sasha Frere-Jones dicususses the seemingly hit-or-miss nature of British pop-music in the U.S.

Punch Hands!

2006-05-30T23:13:00.000-06:00

I've been meaning to redesign the t-shirt ever since I heard dude made the FBI's "most wanted" list.

Speaking of fugitives: does anyone know what's up with fugitive-from-the-movie-screen Michelle Pfeiffer (aka, the original Angelina Jolie)? She's been M.I.A. for, like, years now. I hope she hasn't caught a case of THAFPS (Teri Hatcher Acute [even though there ain't ah-nothin' ah-cute about Teri Hatcher...zing!] Facial Paralysis Syndrome).

This Week in Boobs

2006-05-20T00:24:00.000-06:00

From today's newspaper: Apparently, a functioning colon earns you a face-full of boobs.

Larry David and his wife Laurie are die-hard environmental activists. Laurie produced Al Gore's new movie, An Inconvenient Truth, and has big boobs.

Al Gore is pictured in Cannes, France, enjoying an afternoon sreening with with the two. (The boobs, not the Davids.)

Teri Hatcher is now a best-selling author. The poor man's Alyssa Milano (aka the corpse of Phoebe Cates) has written a book detailing her "philosophy on life" and people seem to be clamoring to read it. Unless this "philosophy" is some crazy-ass UNAbomber-type manifesto, count me out.

R.I.P., Ms. Cates. We hardly knew ye.

Feels So Good

2006-05-08T23:30:00.000-06:00

Zack Morris and his wife have given birth to their second child. Whe knew he had a first child...or a wife for that matter? Last I heard, dude was totally into cycling.

Anyway, the news inspired me to design an hilarious t-shirt. Watch for it wherever the kids buy their waggish t-shirts these days. Spencer's Gifts? Mega Lo Mart?

Hear the flugelhornist get wicked!

Do You Know How this Beat is Made in F***ing London?

2006-05-01T23:54:00.000-06:00

Possible summer jam alert: I'm getting the same vibe from Lily Allen's "LDN" as the one I got last year when I first heard Natasha Bedingfield's "These Words." The smell of across-the-pond crossover-hit is in the air. She seems to be blowing up across the blogosphere, but I credit Pardon My Freedom (one of the Missing Wallet's favorite music-blog reads) with my initial introduction.

The picture at right was stolen from Miss Allen's MySpace page. Does she remind you of anyone? The resemblance to Jennifer/Veronica is eerie, right? I mean, apart from having human-sized boobs she's the spitting image.

In our second story originating from the UK, I caught the first episode of Jamie Oliver's School Lunch Project on The Learning Channel tonight. I guess the peeps at TLC retitled the American airing because they figured we're too stupid to figure out that what we call "lunch" the Brits call "dinner," If you're already a fan of The Naked Chef, check it out if only to see the normally jovial Mr. Oliver trade "bugger offs" with his lunch-lady staff. Monday nights. Wah gwon?

Obscurity Knocks

2006-04-28T00:25:00.000-06:00

As if it wasn't bad enough that the FCC was keeping us from checking out normal, frontal cleavage during our late-night infomercials, it now appears that they're going after side boob as well.

Here's a screen shot of a conversation between Jennifer/Veronica and Jennifer/Veronica as it appeared on the evening of April 25. Side boob is in full effect.

Now, a screen shot from the night of April 28. Jennifer/Veronica's side boob has been partially obscured. Is this the result of skittishness about possible federal fines, or have Jennifer/Veronica's boobs simply grown so massive that the image being distorted by a gravitational lens? You be the judge!

This Week in... Bidness

2006-04-27T00:32:00.000-06:00

As previously reported in the Missing Wallet, JW Marriott Jr., Chairman and CEO of the Marriott chain of hotels, is really into a good tax scam. As reported this week in TIME, his latest scam involves housing cows at his Courtyard by Marriott hotels in order to benefit from the reduced property-tax liability afforded to agricultural properties. Both Michael Jackson and President Bush have used the same scam to lower the property-tax bills on their Neverland and Crawford, Texas "ranches." Scamming money away from school budgets and police payrolls is a an innovative business practice, and the Missing Wallet applauds Mr. Marriott's acumen. Way to keep those dividends rolling, J. Dub!

Speaking of innovation: as reported in yesterday's Salt Lake Tribune, the polygamist-owned machine shop, Western Precision, has "in recent years garner[ed] two awards as a defense contractor for its innovative business practices." Some of Western Precision's innovative practices include not paying its employees and constructing its facilities with "donated" [read: "coerced"] labor and materials. Way to go, Western Precision, way to go, polygamy! You truly are captains of industry.

This Week in Boobs

2006-04-26T00:21:00.000-06:00

If you, like me, watch a lot of of late-night TV, you are intimately familiar with huckster Don Lapre's various pyramid schemes. Well, he has a new scam selling vitamin dealerships, and all I can tell you is that I'd really like to become intimately familiar with his two newest infomercial hostesses, Jennifer and Veronica. As to the question of who is "Jennifer," and who is "Veronica," I couldn't tell you. Their hypnotic cleavage, which forces me, against my will, to watch this infomercial over and over again, prevents me from learning the answer to that question. I can tell you, however, that these two ladies make a very compelling argument in favor of sending Don Lapre a large wad of cash. Check out their powers of persuasion:

Exhibit C:

Exhibit DD:

Anyway, the other day I was sitting down to watch yet another repeat airing of "The Greatest Vitamin in the World," but for some reason I just couldn't get into it. Don Lapre was starting to sound like a complete prick again, and I had an overwhelming desire to just change the channel. What had changed, you ask? Well, perhaps due to the recent FCC crackdown on indecency, Jennifer and Veronica's cleavage has been censored, and it completely ruins the whole experience for me. Boo, FCC or other nameless censoring organization. You rained on our boob parade.

Those phone numbers stay there for the duration of the show.

Jennifer/Veronica isn't all that hot when her boobs aren't in your face.

Apache!

2006-04-25T23:47:00.000-06:00

We know you're somehow behind this, Jolie!

Is anyone else excited about seeing Stick It on Friday? I think it looks all kinds of good. Plus, have you seen pictures of the writer/director? The Poles have. She's a little bit hot, no? And I think she may be dating Ryan Atwood.

The Master has Come Back

2006-04-21T04:34:00.000-06:00

Everyone needs to jump on the Can't Get a Date bandwagon. It's like a dating show from the future. Remember how much you liked Blind Date when you first discovered it? Well, you will like this show at least seven times more than that. And whereas your Blind Dates and Elimidates seem to be populated with increasingly unlikeable people and/or date rapists these days, the people on Can't Get a Date, while quirky, seem to be people that I'd like to meet and hang out with. Trust me, you want to watch this. It's a dating show without the drunken excesses and a makeover show that's fun instead of exxxtreme and schmaltzy. What could you not to like about that?

Read all about it here. It's on VH-1 in the P.M. Check your local listings.

Sorry about taking the month off. I think I'll be postng on a more regular basis beginning next week.

Tao of Steve

2006-03-22T00:14:00.000-07:00

Steven Tyler has cancelled the remaining Aerosmith tour-dates in order to undergo surgery for an "undisclosed medical condition." That "undisclosed condition?" It's his wiener, and he's ready to part ways with it. Dude's pulling a Wachowski! I've suspected that Tyler was yearning to embrace his feminine time for quite some time. I mean, come on, that dude is just way too pretty. And those lips...très jolie.

If you, like me, have delusions of being super smart...

I'd like gender reassignment for five-hundred, Alex.

On the Stump

2006-03-20T00:13:00.000-07:00

Tuesday night is neighborhood caucus night in Utah, and The Mystery of the Missing Wallet urges its local readers to attend the meeting their choice. Here's a link to help you find the location of the Democratic meeting in your neighborhood. If you'd like to attend a Republican meeting, find it yourself. You don't really want to go to a Republican caucus anyway. They've all been hijacked by the home-schoolers and the mayors who will totally get you in trouble with your school and ecclesiastical leaders should you choose to criticize them in print Squares. And the Democratic caucuses are way more entertaining. If you live in the Bountiful area, your Democratic caucus may feature a tirade by infamous fake bomber, Cody Judy, and a chance to vote for yours truly as your state delegate.

Photo retouching befores and afters.

Where My Dogs At?

2006-03-15T22:49:00.000-07:00

Jack Black just got married to some girl that totally ignored him in high-school. We expect that celebrity zing-meister Michael Douglas will be issuing one of his patented "celebrity couple" verbal jabs at any moment.

This made me laugh for some reason. I found it posted on a legal help bulletin board.

I need a contract written for employees that will state they will not compete in the industry or use the information I teach them to help other people open a business. Also, it is a contract for 1 year of employment since I cannot train and have them quit. The only way they can be let out of the contract is if I fire them. It can be renewed yearly. This is for a dog day care / consulting business.

Non-compete clauses in the doggy day-care biz? Seriously, dog people are starting to lose it, human-animal hybrid style.

In other legal news: This dude says he can overlook all of the tiger piss on the carpets, but letting that boa constrictor take a damn bath in his jacuzzi was just totally out of line.

Good news if you're into date-rape: The side effects of many popular prescription sleep-aids may include "temporary amnesia" and "having sex while asleep."

Prescription sleep-aids are the only date-rape drugs approved by A.C. Slater.

Pardon the Service Interruption

2006-03-13T22:32:00.000-07:00

Uma Thurman has broken up with boyfriend Andre Balazs, the hotelier behind the Standard chain of hipster hotels. I say good for Uma. This is funny because if you look at that guy's last name without first putting on your glasses, it looks like his name is Andre Ballz.

As a prominent hotelier, Mr. Ballz needs to get wise to the synfuels racket as recently exposed in the pages of TIME. J.W. Marriott, Jr. has used the tax loop-hole to avoid paying corporate income taxes for the past several years. Actually, the Mariott company pays less than zero (shout-out to Bret Easton Ellis) taxes. Those f***ers get a rebate. Hey Ballz, I totally already came up with a name for your tax-scam division: Ballz Synfuelz, Inc. See how the "z" in Ballz mirrors the "z" in synfuel[z]? Genius, no? Why some Madison Avenue firm hasn't hired me to head up its corporate branding department is beyond me.

Maybe I'm only concerned about this synfuels thing because I reside in Utah, the state in which the industry seems to be centered, but this should be a bigger story. And the local press's insistence on being an industry cheerleader isn't helping matters.

J. Dub and Ballz. Makin' dolla' dolla' billz.

My Pimp Hand is Strong

2006-03-07T22:39:00.000-07:00

Two musicians --one widely known for his performance standing atop der Berlin Wall, the other for his live performance at der Acropolis-- exposed their less savory sides this week as both Both David Hasselhoff and Yanni were accused of laying hands upside their spouses' heads. Hey, it's hard out there for a pimp. You ain't knowin'.

I think it looks like a blond Donkey Kong.

Bitches Became Witches

2006-03-05T23:41:00.000-07:00

In its first official programming move, the newly created CW network has cancelled Aaron Spelling's Charmed. I never watched the show during its original run, but I've actually caught a bunch of episodes since TNT began re-airing them in syndication. The show is actually worth watching, if for nothing else than to see which of the lead actresses wins any particular episode's "best cleavage" competition.

Three 6 Mafia won an Oscar. That's cool if for no other reason than we got to learn those guys' real names. Who knew DJ Paul was really a "Paul?"

Speaking of "who knew?": Who knew that This Old House's Norm Abram was negotiating on behalf of Iran in talks with the European Union concerning Iran's nuclear weapons program? That's a pretty sweet side-gig.

Despite President Bush's admonishments, the faculty of Grand Rapids Community College continues its research in the field of human-animal hybridization.

My Gasoline Always Supreme

2006-03-02T05:03:00.000-07:00

One Tree Hill's Sophia Bush is seeking an annulment (Zellweger style!) of her marriage to One Tree Hill's Chad Michael Murray, citing "fraud." Now, I know you're thinking this means the guy is totally gay. But hold off on your judgment, this may or may not be the case. Dude could chew on more sausage than frau and herr over there, but then again, he could be completely Straits of Magellan. Fact is, we just don't know.

Here's what we do know: Dude is a total puss! His puss-like antics on MTV's eight-week-long commercial for the Paris Hilton vehicle House of Wax demonstrated as much. It's myfeeling that Mr. Michael Murray was somehow able to conceal his true nature from Ms. Bush prior to the nuptials. Once married, however, Mr. Michael Murray decided to let the inner diva out. Oh, yes he did! We're talking lengthy discourses about the practice of his "craft," endless pouting, a grooming regimen to rival Seacrest's...the works. Ms. Bush, previously unaware of the character flaw, had no choice but to claim "fraud" and get to steppin'.

Nodding off at the Supreme Court seems to have become something of an epidemic. First we had Anna Nicole Smith and George Michael dozing on the front steps. Now it's Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg who appears to have been sippin' on sizzurp [7th par.].

There He Is, Officer...He's the One that Stole My Pocketbook

2006-02-28T23:44:00.000-07:00

Pete Doherty was arrested in a stolen car in Birmingham, England on Monday night. It's supected that Pete stole the car in London. You know, the London Police have been steadily rounding up all of the vehicles used in last week's £57 million heist. Methinks I smell a connection. Just watch, in the next couple of days we're going to find out that Mr. Doherty was the "wheel-man" for a vast gang of thieves that included "point-man" Kate Moss, "bag-man" Mick Jones, "bird-man" Robert Stroud, and these guys as "Bahamen." If you have any information concerning the whereabouts of Pete Doherty, or his co-conspirators,on the night of the heist, I advise that you contact Scotland Yard, posthaste!

See? Pete Doherty's mug matches the sketches of the bandits to a T. He even wears a fake policeman's cap. Actually, now that I've studied the computer generated composites more closely, I'm inclined to believe that the dudes from Blur were also involved.

Money Money Boom Bah!

2006-02-26T23:03:00.000-07:00

Marshall v. Marshall (aka "the Anna Nicole Smith case") is scheduled for oral argument before the Supreme Court on Tuesday. You can read the parties' briefs here. The case looks to become the throw-down of the current term and features amici curiae briefs from The United States of America, Texas, The Washington Legal Foundation, Hef and his hoe train, Bobby Trendy, and Georges Marciano for Guess?™

I can't get enough of events like this, where pop culture intersects with our venerated American institutions. I mean, the perpetually frustrated Howard K. Stern signing legal briefs to Supreme Court? Anna Nicole and George Michael nodding off on the Court's front steps? Seriously, what could be more interesting?

Suck It, Street!

2006-02-25T00:53:00.000-07:00

Picabo Street wedges her wide load all up in the US Ski Team's business on Saturday's Today Show, claiming that team member Julia Mancuso was "unprofessional" and needed to do some "growing up." Julia's response: "Gold medal, beeyotch! How's that for growns up? And my dad deals weed, big time!"

Yours truly is calling for an end to the American press's jihad against our winter sports athletes. I realized that things were getting out of hand when The Salt Lake Tribune's (my homebase paper) own Holly Mullen, who normally covers the soccer-mom beat, jumped on the bandwagon by getting up in Bode Miller's grill about 5th and 6th place finishes and breathing heavily after a race. My boy just came in 5th place...in the world...and you give him grief? And who came up with the idea that Bode was going to sweep all five of his events anyway? It wasn't his sponsors. Nike is selling Bode as the skiing UNAbomber -- a sort of backwoods Ryan Atwood in a parka. But, it's no wonder the press expects Bode to win all of his races since they only pay him and his sport any mind once every four years. Meanwhile, Bode's a year round superstar in Europe. The Euros give him much love. That's why man rolls with Barilla. Only the jingoistic American press would forget about the dude for four years and then hype their Olympic coverage by saying he's Wonder Bread.

Congratulations to Shizuka Arakawa, who captured figure skating gold in Torino on Thursday. But congratulations are also in order for the larger Japanese figure skating community for turning out the XX Winter Olympiad's hottest roster of figure skaters . I mean, yeah, their A-game is kinda cute, but their B-Team is foxy, and their C-Team is positively vulpine. And I'm not the only one who thinks Miki Ando is hot times five. Japanese men voted her the hottest member of their Olympic team in the anachronistic way that only dudes in Japan could, by granting her the title of "Olympic Athlete from Whom We Would Most Want to Receive a Gift of Chocolate on Valentine's Day." And big ups to Miki Ando for choosing to forgo the seemingly requisite Puccini and Rachmaninoff yawners in favor of a little Ryuichi Sakamoto.

Konban wa, ladies.

I Think I Titled a Previous Post "Wolverines!"

2006-02-22T00:11:00.000-07:00

The U.S. Forest Service is collaborating with our Soviet and Cuban invaders. You'll never take us alive, commie bastards!

Check out the stare on young C. Thomas Howell. Steely, no?

Related: Patrick Swayze collects photographs of his his fans' nether regions and wants to record a hip-hop album.

It Always Brings Me Back When I Hear Wu, Child

2006-02-21T00:35:00.000-07:00

Looks like The Confederation of Inter-Galactic Strippers sent a team to compete in the ice dancing event at the Olympics. And they won the bronze medal. Check out the euro-stare on that dude. Icy, no? That's Baltic ice.

Let Cha See My WHAT?

2006-02-15T23:32:00.000-07:00

Remember Sarah Hughes? She was 16 when she won the figure skating competition at the 2002 Olympics in Salt Lake, and I thought she was going to grow up to be really cute. Well, color me inept as a handicapper of emergent hotness and notness. Miss Hughes grew up to resemble a post-virginity era Andrea Zuckerman. And that's not a good thing. On the positive front, Miss Hughes sure is rocking the cleav ('Sup, Baiul?) a whole lot deeper these days. Can't complain about that.
That guy? He's Andrew Giuliani. They're dating. You probably remember Andrew as the fat kid that mugged for the camera at his father Rudy Giuliani's first mayoral inauguration. Or, perhaps you're more likely to remember Chris Farley's impression of him as a chiclet-grilled spaz on Saturday Night Live.

Sarah's sister Emily took Michelle Kwan's place (or vice versa, depending on your views on the politics of skating) on the U.S. figure skating team. Emily has a fan-club. You an reach it by dialing 1-900-MIXALOT.

Crash at High-Speeds, Strawberry-Kiwi

2006-02-14T00:49:00.000-07:00

I wrote a talk show monologue joke today. It's a "what's the deal" joke that involves nuclear weapons research and snack food. It's totally for sale, Carson Daly. Give me a jingle, I'll catch you on the jangle. Here goes:

So, have you heard the news? Scientists in Iran have been trying to manufacture "green salt," a form of uranium that can be used to build a nuclear bomb. Yeah, and remember when the scientists in Iraq were trying to buy uranium "yellow cake" from Niger? What's the deal with uranium being named after colorful foods? Next thing you know, we're going to hear that Kim Jong-il has been trying to get his hands on some "blue corn" and that those fancy tortilla chips I've been eating have been irradiating my colon.

Car-sone!

To all my night-owl readers who dig hot chicks: You should check out Olympic women's curling, which has been airing on the USA network at about 1 AM the past couple of nights. There are a pair of hot sisters on the U.S. team. Their names are Cassie and Jamie Johnson, and trust me, those pictures on their profiles that have them looking like a couple of high-school band nerds don't do them justice. [Better headshots.] Seriously, check out the late night coverage, the camera eats them up. They look like a couple of younger Frances O'Connors who are made much hotter by the fact that they are Olympians, not just stupid actors. And the Swiss team's skip may be a dead ringer for Shaun White, but I think she's kind of cute, too. Does that make me gay?

Anyway, Cassie won the sportsmanship award at last year's world championship tournament. She's talented, and pretty, and nice? She's a triple threat, Trilateral Commission style, and I totally dig her. There may be other hotties at the Olympics --I want to bite Sasha Cohen's belly-- but it's Cassie Johnson who is my Valentine's Day crush this year.

You Keep Grillin', I'll Pump, Pump The Shotty

2006-02-13T00:53:00.000-07:00

Dick Cheney, shot a dude in the face with a shotgun, nearly landing the Presiding Officer of the Texas Funeral Services Commission in the grave. What an opportunity for tragic irony, no? Alas [?], it appears that the victim will recover, and that in lieu of becomming the second killa' V.P., Vice President Cheney will merely become the second vice president to peel a cap in a dude's ass. We had a good, 200 year run of gun-violence free vice presidencies. But you know how it is now-a-days: V.P.s gots-ta be strapped. Na' mean, son? Something like this was bound to happen.

"When I'm called off, I get a sawed-off!"

A Michael Scott Joint

2006-02-09T23:38:00.000-07:00

Bill "The Science Guy" Nye was married to minxy oboist Blair Tindall this past weekend. Way to go, Bill! Ms. Tindall-Nye made waves in the greater Great Salt Lake area this past year when she revealed her illicit love affair with Utah Symphony and Boston Pops director Keith Lockhart in the saucy exposé of her life as a professional concert musician, Mozart in the Jungle. Yo Yo Ma attended the ceremony...and wailed on his cello, like a ninja!

Tom "MySpace" Anderson, sensing the heat of all the media coverage of the abundance of sexual predators frequenting the site, has created the MySpace version Elaine's blow-off of the sandwich artist. While Tom's "fake number" (http://www.myspace.com/sweetbug37) won't connect you to the OTB (sorry, Mrs. Gretzky), it will keep creepy dudes from looking at your real MySpace profile. So, all my fellow creepy dudes, the next time you're spittin' game at some lady and she gives you the "sweetbug37" backslash name, you should probably just follow her home, sleep in your car, then knock on her bathroom window when she's in the shower the next morning. You may not have gotten to be her MySpace friend, but she'll think it's totally romantic that you went through so much effort just to see her again.

Speaking of MySpace, I ran across my doppelganger's profile. [check the pics: 1, 2] Jim and I are currently rocking pompadours of similar stature, but other than that, it appears the resemblance is fading. Plus, he's like full-on gay now (that's him on the right, tré pouty). Me, I'm still only like 70% gay...and that's on a good day.

Rock Me, Amadeus

2006-02-07T23:12:00.000-07:00

I guess we're going to have to deal with lame biopics about dead musicians on an yearly basis for the next decade or so. I hope this trend abates before we run out of suitably influential musicians as film subjects. I mean, if by 2016 we're celebrating the poor man's Jeremy Irons and his hauntingly accurate portrayal of Falco (R.I.P., we hardly knew ye) then we've gone too far. And dollars to donuts, the Marvin Gaye movie ain't going to be released with the title Sexual Healing. It alienates way too many squares.

Janet Jones (aka, Mrs. Wayne Gretzky, or the girl who was in that gymnastics movie with Mitch Gaylord) is going to prison. Turns out Ms. Jones was illegally wagering on football, and her bookie just happened to be running his operation out of The Great One's coaching office. For shame!

Vote for me in the ThighsWideShut.org photoshop contest. I'll leave it up to you, my discerning readers, to figure out which entry is mine. [Update: Nevermind, I didn't make the final ten. My entry was the Michael Jackson cover with lots of corn.]

That's Gretzky's daughter, Paulina. He's totally checking out her boobs!

Dig, If You Will, A Picture

2006-02-05T22:03:00.000-07:00

I've got a name for you, Lisa Loeb: Dave Lieberman. Dude's everything you're looking fo r. I don't know his stance on the "cat fancy" tip, but he's smart (he graduated from Yale), he's funny, he cooks, and he's Jewish. He may be a few years younger than your preferred age range, but whatever, right? I mean, you look much younger than your 37 years (as was clearly evidenced by that footage of you in your thong on last week's show), so what business do you have dating dudes your own age anyway? And Dave's exponentially better looking than that hump you went on a date with last week. Case closed.

If you didn't catch Prince's return to "When Doves Cry" form on Saturday Night Live this week, check it out at Stereogum. He cold wailed on his guitar like a ninja.

Human-Animal Hybrids Strike Curious Poses

Tardy Again, Ghost Bear

2006-02-02T23:32:00.000-07:00

Heather Locklear, you give love a bad name as you divorce Richie Sambora but neglect to tell him.
Alternate Headlines:

Heather Locklear to Richie Sambora: I'll not be there for you.
Are Heather Locklear and Richie Sambora goin' down in a blaze of glory?
Richie Sambora: Wanted dead or alive by Heather Locklear? No, just dead.

The Discovery Channel is airing Werner Herzog's Grizzly Man on Friday. If you're not a fan of nature documentaries, don't worry. Although Grizzly Man was marketed as a nature film to cash in on some of that Penguins money, the story actually plays out more like a true-crime novel or an episode of A&E's City Confidential. If you are a fan of nature docs, there's a bunch of good footage of bears fighting and a ton of good fox footage to keep you happy, but it's really a film about this odd guy with a serious animal fetish who fancies himself the "Crocodile Hunter" of bears.

Speaking of Werner Herzog, it was he who rescued a "brakeless" [read: drunken] Joaquin Phoenix from his overturned car in Los Angeles last week.

Toro, Toro!

2006-01-31T00:26:00.000-07:00

So, I'm watching las noticias this morning when I happen to see the coolest thing I've ever seen. They're playing video of a bull named Pajarito jumping, like, veinte feet into the bleachers of the bull-fighting stadium in Mexico City. The bull's taking out la gente left and right when some off-duty matador in a Member's Only jacket jumps up into the stands, Antonio Davis style, and stabs the bull right in the neck, dropping him dead. Yo, Joe!

Related: I saw The Matador this weekend. It was pretty funny and there's a big scene filmed at the Mexico City stadium. The Mexico City scenery was perhaps the most memorable part of the film. They really ought to film more movies there.

Hook 'em Horns!

I'm assuming there's going to be some jive about Iran in tonight's State of the Union address. Before you take it in, I recommend that you read some of Reza Aslan's stuff. We've been hearing a lot of scary talk about Iran's nuclear capabilities out of the mouths of people like Secretary Rice and Vice President Cheney. Mr. Aslan suggests that some of this talk is being driven by intelligence provided by Iran's "parliament-in-exile," the National Council of Resistance of Iran. Doesn't this sound eerily similar to the situation prior to the invasion of Iraq, when Ahmed Chalabi's government-in-exile, the Iraqi National Congress, was providing bogus intelligence about Iraq's nuclear program?

A lot of Mr. Aslan's opinion pieces are available on his website. Check 'em out...because knowing is half the battle.
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By the way, did you happen to see that Exxon posted fourth quarter profits of $11 bazillion? The oil barons: yet another group that profits from rumor-mongering concerning Iran's nuclear ambitions.

You're Just a Japanese Hot-Dog/Giraffe

2006-01-30T00:04:00.000-07:00

The Mystery of the Missing Wallet Center for Advanced Future Studies would like to welcome aboard its newest research fellow, Ms. Carolyn Hennesy. Ms. Hennesy's research will be focused in the area of technology reapplication, with special attention being paid to military technology conversion. Prior to joining the staff at The Center, Ms. Hennesy was probably best known for her numerous guest appearances on Dawson's Creek playing the bitchy manager of the yacht club where Joey Potter waitressed. In addition to her television work, Ms. Hennesy is also an accomplished trapeze artist and successful entrepreneur. It is her entrepreneurial efforts that originally brought Ms. Hennesy to The Center's attention.

Following the defeat of the Galactic Empire at the hands of the Rebel Alliance, Sienar Fleet Systems needed to unload a number of mothballed TIE fighters sitting in the Mojave desert boneyard. Ms. Hennesy saw an opportunity, quickly purchased a large quantity of surplus ion engines, and repurposed them as home air purifiers to be sold under the brand name Ionic Breeze® Quadra®. Through infomercials, in which she personally stars, Ms. Hennesy has sold millions of ion engines/air purifiers despite the fact that the ion-drive technology emits dangerous levels of ozone and that setting the machine on "high" routinely sends it into a Molniya orbit. That's the type of blatant hucksterism that we at The Center can really get behind.

Ms. Hennesy, we here at The Center would like to extend you a heart-felt welcome, and would like you to know that you're a super-fox. We also apologize in advance for the comments from our all-male staff that you and a jury our peers will likely perceive as sexual harassment.

Nice popozão!

The only hip-hop song to name-check the Ionic Breeze® Quadra®: DangerDoom's "Mincemeat". [mp3]

My Girl Wants To Party All The Time

2006-01-28T01:02:00.000-07:00

Matthew Perry has been cast to star in Aaron Sorkin's upcoming comedy series set behind the scenes at a Saturday Night Live-like [life-like?] television show. This should be a good show. I mean, I like Sorkin's stuff even if he, like me, tends to get a bit wordy at times. But I'm a bit concerned with the way Perry's character is described as a "genius comic writer who was forced out of his position" due to a disagreement with the network We all know that Sorkin was forced to bail from The West Wing after he was caught with 'shrooms in his bag at the Burbank airport. If we are to read this new series as a roman à clef based on Sorkin's life, are we also to infer that Sorkin thinks of himself as a genius? If so, my hopes for the show are fading. Megalomania doesn't make for good comedy. Case in point: It ruined Eddie Murphy. And as I've previously noted, Sorkin is getting the green light in lieu a conceptually identical show that would have been helmed by Tina Fey, which to my tastes would likely have been much funnier.

Future Super-Fox

Speaking of Aarons, Aaron Spelling is being sued for sexual harassment. Seems dude liked to get handsy, and possibly groiny and tongue-y (but not Hatuey), with his live-in nurse. What I think this story really reveals is that Aaron Spelling is in pretty bad health. Sounds like dude's suffering from a loss of cognitive function brought on by either advanced age or disease, in which case the suit is nothing more than an extortionist ploy. Sick old guys tend to lose their sexual inhibitions. It's an amusing fact of life, but deliberate it ain't.

Look at the Brain on Brad

2006-01-23T22:47:00.001-07:00

The Mystery of the Missing Wallet Center for Advanced Future Studies regrets to announce that it must bid a fond farewell to it newest fellow, Cdr. Alex Rogan. Cdr. Rogan will be leaving his fellowship to head up the newly formed spaceflight division of Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie's private airforce. In addition to assuming personal command of the couple's Star Destroyer, Cdr. Rogan will also be overseeing operation of their fleet of SpaceShip Ones [like Shook Ones Pt. II?... or SpaceShips One, like attorneys general?] and Close Encounter™ brand flying saucers. The staff at The Center offers its best wishes to Cdr. Rogan in this new endeavor.

It's Ya' Berfday!

2006-01-22T23:44:00.000-07:00

A brief update from one of our fellows at The Mystery of the Missing Wallet Center for Advanced Future Studies: Commander Alex Rogan (Star League, ret.), our chief fellow in the field of interstellar defense policy, is totally on board with this week's preemptive strike against the glorified comet we've come to know as Pluto. Cdr. Rogan suggests that it is unwise to assume that the Plutonians and their Kuiper Belt allies have peaceful intentions with regard to the United States. The launch of a thermoelectric device packed with 24 pounds of Plutonium is the perfect response to those Plutonian bastards' alignment with known terrorist planetoids such as Sedna and Quaoar. Get ready for the pain, bitches! U.S.A.!

Remember when I told you to invest in MC Hammer's publishing catalog. Well, turns out that wasn't such a bad idea. A Miami lawyer who bought Luther Campbell's publishing catalog is going to be seeing whole lotta' settlement money from 50 Cent due to 50's misappropriation of the "it's ya' berfday" chant from Luke's song, "It's Your Birthday".

Le Big Mac

2006-01-19T22:19:00.000-07:00

There were a couple of interesting casting rumors floating around this week:

First, it's rumored that Rose Byrne is to be cast as the Bond girl in Casino Royale. You'll probably recognize Miss Byrne from her role as Briseis (the Apollonian priestess turned Stockholm syndrome sufferer) in the the world's most tiring movie, Troy. Actually, I shouldn't be so hard on the movie while speaking of Miss Byrne. It wasn't her, but rather Mr. Brad Pitt who was responsible foe that crap-out. In playing Achilles, dude went for a-hole when he should've gone for stoic. Movies about a-holes are only good if they're aboput a-holes of the lovable variety, e.g. Royal Tennenbaum of The Royal Tennenbaums. Anyways, if you care to see Miss Byrne in finest form [note: contrary to usual usage, in this case "finest form" is not intended to be a euphemism for nakedness], check out the overlooked Wicker Park. It's a good movie and she's totally creepy in it.

Next, we hear that Bryce Dallas Howard will be playing Gwen Stacy in Spiderman 3: 3 Spider 3 Man. I really like Miss Howard. She's not super-hot or anything, but she has that cute, smart-girl thing going for her. It's a Zooey Deschanel vibe. Plus she was really good in The Village, one of the most wrongly derided movies of recent years. I think people hated that movie because they think M. Night Shyamalan makes horror films, and when they don't get horror, they freak out. The Village wasn't a horror film, it was a romance that just happened to have supernatural overtones, because that's the guy's style. In fact The Village, having been released in 1994, was one of three really good, dude-type romantic films produced that year--the other two being Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, and Lost in Translation. If you haven't yet made up your mind about Miss Howard, you'll get to see more of her in the upcoming Manderlay. And by "more of her" I mean nooks and crannies. She supposedly gets naked in the film...really naked.

Not so much a casting rumor as evidence of the Lachey family's philandering ways: Did you catch Drew Lachey copping a feel off of his hot, Dancing With the Stars dance partner (excuse the fa-reaky eye makeup in this picture) as his pregnant wife gave him the evil eye from her position in the audience? So busted!

Fake Girlfriend: January Edition

2006-01-17T01:02:00.000-07:00

My fake girlfriend for the month of January is Autumn Reeser. You probably know her better as Taylor Townsend (or Double-T's, as I like to call her) from TV's The O.C. It was Miss Reeser's star turn in last week's episode that clinched her this month's title. Watching as she wavered back and forth between the material inducements offered by her mother, and the camaraderie offered by the O.C. kids (which was really just an allegorical representation of her own inner conflicts) was... seriously. That was some Empire level melodrama.

Anyway, here's an interview Miss Reeser granted to People. She doesn't give up much personal info, but we do learn that she's currently living with some humpy boyfriend. His name is Jesse Warren. Actually, it's Jesse Strutzel--"Warren" is just his ultra-vanilla stage name. "Strutzel" to "Warren"? Whatever, dude. There are a million Jesse's floating around, and Strutzel ain't so bad sounding. But if you want to be constantly mistaken for pedophile catnip, that's your call.

As Martika Once Said: We All Fall Down, Like Toy Soldiers

2006-01-12T23:26:00.000-07:00

The Mystery of the Missing Wallet Center for Advanced Future Studies would like to take this opportunity to welcome its newest fellow, Alex Rogan. Cdr. Rogan is an accomplished former Star League starfighter whose skills were indispensable in the League's war with the Ko-Dan Armada. His research at the Center will be focused primarily on inter-stellar defense policy.

In his desire to keep the public informed on pressing inter-stellar matters, Cdr. Rogan would like to forward along the following news stories:

IBM's "Cell", a new supercomputing microprocessor, will soon be showing up in our video-game consoles and cellular telephones. Raytheon plans to use the supercomputing chips in its missile guidance systems, and Cyberdyne Systems has plans to integrate the chip into its Skynet™ brand defense network.
The bad news: Korean scientist Hwang Woo-suk's reported successes in the field of human stem-cell clonings were recently discovered to have been complete fabrications. The esteemed journal Science, in turn, has retracted two articles authored by Hwang. The good news: Hwang's claims to have cloned an Afghan hound appear to be genuine. Now that dogs have been successfully cloned, we can begin work on the cloning of cats. As you may weel know, millions of soldier cats will be needed to fight in the impending Cat-Bun Wars.
Eminem is set to wed a cross-dressing and surprisingly chesty Guy Pearce, Brokeback style, sometime during the coming month.

The Cat/Bun Wars

2006-01-11T01:10:00.000-07:00

Heads up to my peeps in the greater Great Salt Lake area: Michael Eric Dyson will be speaking at the University of Utah today at o-noonhundred.

Since the story about Larry H. Milller yanking Brokeback Mountain off (pun totally intended) the screens in his theater appears to be making international headlines, I guess I'll take the opportunity to opine. But first, if you are uninitiated into the whole Mormon-culture thing, know this: We, as a culture, are obsessed with movies, not so much with their quality as with their manufacture and the "objectionable" content that they may or may not contain. It's a very complicated and nuanced obsession that would take too many column inches to explain here. Suffice it to say that we are well aware of our homophobia and were probably more surprised that Mr. Miller booked Brokeback Mountain in the first place than we were by the booking's ultimate cancellation.

That being said, I think this episode clearly demonstrates that our obsession with repressing homosexuality is so intense that our obsession with objectionable movie content in general, and even our obsession with capitalism, pales in comparison (and that's hard to believe if you read the work of my nemesis in the culture wars). What else could explain Mr. Miller's decision? He clearly values his homophobia more than his money. His competition, The Salt Lake Film Society, is profiting from its Brokeback screenings, in a non-profit sort of way. Even its matinee showing of Brokeback, which I attended, was filled to the rim (again, pun totally intended). And Mr. Miller was clearly not making a stand against sexual immorality or violence in movies. As stated in the linked article, Hostel, which I also have seen and which is quite violent (and sexually explicit), opened at multiple Larry H. Miller theaters on the day of the Brokeback banishment. And Mr. Miller's theaters also happily showcased the most sexually graphic movie I've seen in the past couple of years, Closer. And I know what you're thinking: There were no Julia or Natalie boobs in that movie. No, there were not. But can you deny that Clive Owen got raw with the dialogue in that film? Yeesh...creepy raw!

Point is, dude's a little bit too homophobic for his own and everyone else's good. That sucks. But he kind of sucks as owner of the Utah Jazz and as a car-sales baron, too. He's a miserable hump. What more should we have expected?

Sei Dein Eigener Held

2006-01-09T00:15:00.000-07:00

So, Munich (or München, as it's called by meine brüder in the Bundestag) is officially my favorite film of the year. Really, go see it. It's a thriller in disguise. Like this crossed with this!

Is it me, or are a disturbing number of women named Calli (or some variation thereof)? I seem to have rolled into quite a few of them lately. First, it was a girl named Calli. Then, a couple of days later, another one. She spelled it with a "K". Yeah, so two isn't exactly a disturbing number, but still. The first Calli had me thinking of LL Cool J every time I heard or saw her name, thus the reference in the post below. Kalli with a "K", on the other hand, had me thinking this:

"Ohhh, Kali!"

I'm not such a big a-hole that I'd tell them what I'm thinking when I hear their names. I'm just a little bit a-holey, so I think about Mola Ram (R.I.P., dude) and laugh to myself.

She's the New Ann-Margrock

2006-01-05T00:17:00.000-07:00

The DFA-produced Britney Spears track, which she quickly discarded, has leaked to the internets. [Courtesy of The Prettiest Pony via Fluxblog] Read the DFA's account of working with Ms. Spears here. A cool song produced by two music nerds whose business affairs are managed by Jake from Hey Dude must have been too much for Ms. Spears to handle.

Since I cover the Nickelodeon beat: Longtime president of Nickelodeon networks, Herb Scanell, has been forced out. No, not out of the closet, like Kevin Spacey in British textbooks...out of his j-o-b. Not that there's anything wrong with that.

In LiLo news: The current issue of Vanity Fair contains an interview with Miss Lohan, in which she admits to a struggle with bulimia, and credits Lorne Michaels with saving her life. She also looks super-hot on the cover. Read all about it here. See the photos ah-here, and right chere. Seriously, is there anything hotter than a white eyelet bikini? In the immortal words of Mr. LL Cool J, spoken whilst considering a return to Cali', "I don't think so."

Respected Highly, Hi Mr. O'Reilly

2006-01-04T00:34:00.000-07:00

Once again, it's time for The Mystery of the Missing Wallet's weekly pop-culture round-up.

David Lee Roth says that a Van Halen reunion will happen. That's cool.

Since we've been talking about Dan Schneider lately: Drake Bell, star of the Schneider-produced Drake & Josh, broke his neck and face in a car accident over the weekend. That sucks.

Ryan Seacrest has good karma. He just signed a reported three-year, $21 million dollar deal with E! to produce and host E! News and the network's award-show red-carpet coverage. I'm indifferent.

LiLo is in a Miami hospital after suffering an "asthma attack" on Monday. Miss Lohan claims that Miami's "humid air" aggravated her "condition". Yeah, that works if by "humid air" she meant "highly purified cocaine", and by "condition" she meant "physical dependence on the 'white lady.'" Seriously, how many seventeen-year-old girls require hospital stays several times a year? Cracktastic!

And finally, Bill O'Reilly was on Letterman last night. As Paul Shaffer said, following the segment, "It was good television." Here's a link to a conservative blogger's take on the interview, including a partial transcript. I have to mention that it is a partial transcript because the dude failed to include the opening portion of the interview, in which the hostilities began.

The interview opened with Letterman posing the question, "How were you're holidays?" O'Reilly responded with, "My solstice was fine," a chiding reference to his, and fellow Foxite John Gibson's, War on Christmas campaign. When Letterman suggested that the "War on Christmas" might be a fictional issue, O'Reilly continued to chide Dave, suggesting that while Dave was celebrating Christmas in St. Bart's (Dave has a vacation house on the island), he, Bill O'Reilly, was defending Christmas from an evil conspiracy of judges and school administrators.

I think that's what set Dave off. See, if anyone in this world knows the meaning of Christmas, it's David Letterman. That dude has spent the past three Christmases in Iraq and Afghanistan on USO tours. Dick move, O'Reilly. And do you who else can claim moral superiority concerning the celebration of Christmas? O'Reilly's arch nemesis, Al Franken, who is headlining a USO tour in Iraq at this moment. And that dude's Jewish. Has O'Reilly ever given his Christmas to the troops? No. O'Reilly doesn't do USO tours, even if his apologists claim that he does. Check the USO tour schedules for yourself.

Anyway, read that conservative dude's blog. Decide for yourself who had the better arguments, but I think Letterman trounced the guy. And read the blog's comments section. It's full of comments from stupid O'Reilly apologists. Yes, stupid. How else do you account for such criticisms of Letterman as, "Why have O'Reilly as a guest if that's how you are going to treat him?" Wha'? Criticizing Letterman for treating his guests poorly? Isn't that O'Reilly's claim to fame?

Boom, I Got Your Girlfriend: Redux and Proulx

2005-12-31T01:07:00.000-07:00

You can go ahead and add Brokeback Mountain to my list of approved movies. It really is very good. Larry McMurtry adapted the screenplay from Annie Proulx's short story, and he did a really good job with the dialogue. It's as good a western as it is a love story. And the love story is one of the most tragic I've ever seen. We're talking starrrrr, crossed.

Perhaps the most valuable lesson gleaned from Brokeback Mountain?: Gay cowboys are breaking the hearts of really hot ladies, like, right and left. And if Anne Hathaway isn't hot enough to make you straight, dude, you are like gay times 5. Seriously, I've got half a mind to move to Texas or Wyoming so I can take advantage of the surplus of gay dudes' jilted wives and girlfriends. And if the problem with these ladies is that they're only attracted to gay guys, that's OK, because a lot of people think I'm gay. So, like, I'm ahead of the game.

Another valuable lesson: If you're a 20-something dude who attends Brokeback Mountain with his girlfriend, makes audible protests as the lights are going down, and feigns nausea during the make-out scenes... methinks you doth protest too much.

I received a piece of hate e-mail criticizing my selection of March of the Penguins as "Worst Film of the Year." Look, if you've never seen an episode of Nature, then yeah, Penguins may be the Keebler's cookies to you. But if you like to leave a documentary feeling like you've learned something about the film's subject, then you'll realize that Penguins sucked. I still don't know what the mysterious "milky substance" was all about.

Oh yeah, check out the top songs of 2005 over at Soul Sides. Good list.

Didn't Ask for a Dime -- Two Dollars

2005-12-30T01:09:00.000-07:00

For those who have been wondering what Fred Savage has been up to lately, this is the post for you. My own interest in the topic of Fed Savage's whereabouts was piqued the other day when I caught a glimpse of his name during the credits of the Disney Channel series, Phil of the Future. He produces that show!?

Turns out dude is interning with the Brian Robbins & Dan Schneider School of TV and Film Production^sm. You may remember Messrs. Robbins and Schneider from their respective roles as Eric and Dennis on TV's Head of the Class about 20 years ago. Remember that show? It's the vehicle that made Robin Givens a household name. Remember Mr. Schneider's Dennis? He was the fat kid that was marginalized along with the nerd character, Arvid, by all of the more socially adept kids on that show. Actually, you're probably more likely to remember Mr. Schneider from his role as Ricky "I'm real sorry your mom blew up, Ricky" Smith, from Savage Steve Holland's Better Off Dead. Yeah, and remember Mr. Robbins' Eric? Eric was the neo-Fonzite character that was always trying to bone that hot red-head, Simone.

Anyway, as their characters graduated from high school and were cut from the cast, Messrs. Robbins and Schneider were somehow able to wrangle writing gigs with the show. Following that stint, they both landed jobs writing and producing shows for Nickelodeon, then broke into movies. Brian Robbins eventually carved out a niche producing sentimental, sports-themed movies, and Dan Schneider went on to create and write a whole slate of TV shows for both Nickelodeon and the Disney Channel. Dude currently writes three separate shows! He kicks it on the David E. Kelley tip.

I don't exactly know where Fred Savage hooked up with these guys, but it's my guess that he dedicates a couple of chest thumps to Jeebus every day for bringing about that encounter, because he is now an official member of their tag-team. Whoomp, there it is! Not only is Brian Robbins producing a new TV series in which Fred Savage will star, but Mr. Savage has also had directing gigs on all of Dan Schneider's shows. And who does Mr. Savage get to hang with on the sets of said shows? One Mr. Savage Steve Holland, whom Dan Schneider has been courteous enough to keep fresh-on-ice in preparation for his gig as screenwriter for the new Porky's remake.

As uchi-deschi to Robbins Sensei and Schneider Sensei, Fred Savage has been taught well. The senseis' greatest accomplishment to date has been, perhaps, the discovery of comedic ingenue, Amanda Bynes. While yong Miss Bynes' movie career seems to be stalled-out at the moment, myself and others consider her to be highly watchable, and predict bright future for her. Fred Savage, much like his masters, seems to have an equally gifted eye for spotting tween-age talent. I offer this picture of Miss Alyson Michalka, co-star of Phil of the Future, as evidence. That girl may be fourteen, or whatever, but you cannot deny that she is smokin' hot (unless you are required to do so by your state's age-of-consent laws). Plus, she's got a record deal with Disney -- you know, with their whole synergetic [synergistic?] marketing strategy and whatnot. And you know dude's getting back-end points off of that deal. See? Well taught, indeed.

Point is, do yourself a favor and crib a play from Fred Savage's book. Hook yourself up with an internship at L'Ecole du Robbins & Schneider. Playing hottie/not-a-hottie with tween headshots? That is a cool job.

And Now, From Los Angeles, California...

2005-12-26T20:37:00.000-07:00

Keeping in mind that I've yet to see Munich or Brokeback Mountain --which hain't yet playing in my area-- The Mystery of the Missing Wallet officially endorses the following fine films from "The O.5." And don't bother looking for King Kong or Memoirs of a Geisha on the list. King Kong? More like, King "Way Too" Long. And Geisha suffers from poor direction. Rob Marshal is overrated. Dude needs to return to "the theatre", from whence he came. But I digress. Here's the list:

Crash - Featuring Sandra Bullock as a straight basically played herself-up beeyotch.
A History of Violence
The Constant Gardener - Which confused the audience with which I saw the film, because apparently nobody has heard about the genocide in Sudan.
Syriana - Exposing Texas wildcatters.
Pride & Prejudice - Featuring hot neck exposure.
Goodnight, and Goodluck - George Clooney and his bros make a movie...and it's really good.
Me and You and Everyone We Know - Featuring the funniest joke of the year: pooping back-and-forth.
The Wedding Crashers
The 40 Year-Old Virgin

Most overlooked movie of the year

The Ice Harvest - Harold Ramis returns, and makes a dark and hilarious caper movie, and nobody sees it.

Worst movie of the year

March of the Penguins - The horrible script ruined that movie for me.

I'm Mark Silverstein...And I'm Jill Cordes

2005-12-23T01:41:00.000-07:00

Crazy women flock to David Letterman like Gavin Rossdale's seed to Gwen Stefani's womb.

Sugababes undergo another change in lineup. And since I was such a fan of their "Push the Button" this year, I guess now is a good time to list my favorite albums and songs of "The O.5."

Best albums...in no particular order:

Kanye West - Late Registration
M.I.A. - Arular
Annie - Anniemal
Damian Marley - Welcome to Jamrock

Best songs that weren't on the above albums:

Lucero - "Burn it Down"
Amerie - "1 Thing"
Curumin - "Guerreiro"
The Strokes - "You Only Live Once"
Steve Spacek - "Slave"
Robyn - "Be Mine"
Junior Senior - "Take My Time"
Sugababes - "Push the Button"
Girls Aloud - "Models"
Sharon Jones & The Dap-Kings - "How Long"
Gwen Stefani - " Cool (Richard X remix)"
Modeselektor - "Dancing Box (feat. TTC)"
Three 6 Mafia - "Stay Fly"

I'll do a "best movies" list sometime this weekend.

This Dominick from Shady 'n Low Trailer Park

2005-12-21T23:14:00.000-07:00

Of interest to my law school peeps: Judge Dee Benson reveals himself to br a member of the Federal International Security Court. And it sounds like he's none too pleased with the President and his sidestepping of the FISA warrant process. Other members of the FISC are also unhappy. Judge James Robertson was so disturbed by the President's actions that he resigned from the Court in protest.

I know you've all heard the story and seen the video, but unless you've lived in Miami, it's really hard to grasp the freakiness of a Chalk's plane crashing on South Beach. The South Beach point-break, being the only reliably surfable break in Miami, is where everyone in the area, including myself, learns how to surf. To hear reporters interview surfers who felt the heat from the fire on their faces is just crazy. The crash site is also just a couple hundred yards from landmarks such as Joe's Stone Crab. In fact, look at this map. That's the surf break in the lower right corner. That beach is always filled with people. Freak-a-leak!

But I'd Never Steal from Santa, 'Cause That Ain't Right

2005-12-19T23:22:00.000-07:00

It's possible that this is even more sickening than the stupid "War on Christmas" people and their stupid cause. Aren't there any normal people left? I don't want to be the guy that boycotts Applebee's because its waiters don't wish me a "Merry Christmas." If I boycott Applebee's, it'll be because the food tastes like taint. But I don't want to be the ever-so-earnest Jesus/Moses/Krishna/Zeus/Great Spirit card guy either. That guy's lamer than the Applebee's menu. And please just shoot me (D. Finch style!) if I ever stop using envelopes for ecological reasons.

This is interesting: On the same day that Utah's conservative newspaper, The Deseret Morning News, publishes an editorial critical of warrantless phone and e-mail tapping authorized by the Bush administration, KSL releases a poll which shows that a sizeable number of Utahns support spying on suspected terrorists, and a majority of Utahns support spying on their anti-war neighbors. Wha?!

A Homo sp. Says What

2005-12-16T00:22:00.000-07:00

Once again, it's time for The Mystery of the Missing Wallet's weekly archaeological update, brought to you, as always, by meine brüder at the Deutsche Archäologische Institut. Wie gehts, bitches?

British archaeologists cite the discovery of stone tools found at the base of a cliff as evidence of human occupation of the British Isles some 700,000 years ago. This date is 200,000 years earlier than previously accepted. The tools were supposedly fashioned from river cobbles due to the paucity of flint sources in the area. Broken cobbles at the base of a cliff? Methinks I smell a repeat of the infamous Pedra Furada controversy. The excavators of that site claimed to have uncovered evidence that Brazil was populated by humans some 40,000 years earlier than commonly accepted. The evidence, consisting of broken cobbles at the base of a cliff, was demonstrated to be of geological rather than human artifactual origin by this article. Ouch!

Incised penises get mad press coverage as excavators uncover a mural depicting a Mayan ritual involving just such an incision in San Bartolo, Guatemala. As painful as that sounds, most reports have been neglecting to mention the cringe inducing culmination of that ritual, which involves threading a thorn-studded rope through the newly created opening and yanking away. Ouch times two!

Freeze! Rock!

2005-12-13T22:30:00.000-07:00

Colin Farrell has apparently checked himself into rehab to recover from "exhaustion" and an addiction to "prescription medication." I guess "prescription medication" is the new euphemism for cocaine. So, that's why the Bush administration is all up in arms about importing "prescription medications" from Canada. The Canucks have just been trying to usurp Mexico's position as our main conduit for snow... of the euphemistic variety.

Maybe Mr. Farrell should call upon the assistance of La Virgen. The grace of La Virgen got mis compadres and I through a difficult bar exam a few years back. Perhaps her grace can help Mr. Farrell through his period of "exhaustion" as well.

Especially When I Drop the Beat and Do My Acapellas

2005-12-09T01:01:00.000-07:00

The Making the Band 3 finale aired last night. Aubrey made the band. So did Aundea and three other girls whose names I never bothered to learn. It was kind of a touching episode. Aubrey and Aundrea made public declarations of their appreciation for each other's friendship. I got a little choked up. Does that make me a little pathetic, or really pathetic?

Although the vocals still sound horrible, I think we're all in agreeance that the two songs the proto-band has been showcasing have hot beats. Here's a link.

Hi, Everybody!

2005-12-07T00:26:00.000-07:00

Good news for my lousy readers: A crooked doctor is claiming that Cetaphil® skin cleanser is an effective treatment for head lice. The doctor was reportedly charging several hundred dollars for a treatment that consisted of dumping a couple bucks worth of Cetaphil® on a patient's head and letting it dry. This is good news for the manufacturers of Cetaphil®. But here's what I wonder: When are the good hippies at Unicure going to wake up and realize that the Cetaphil® people have stolen their hippie formula? Seriously, it's the same stuff. Those hippies need to defend their patents... get in on a little of that louse-treatment money.

Comedy Central has announced that it's going to air the Chapelle's Show sketches that were filmed prior to Dave Chapelle's South African sojourn. Personally, I'm more excited to see Dave Chapelle's Block Party, which is supposed to be out in March. It's basically a Soulquarians concert film with comedy bits mixed in for laughs. Sounds cool.

Fake Girlfriend: Holiday Edition

2005-12-05T00:18:00.000-07:00

This year, I'll be spending fake Christmas with my new fake girlfriend, Miss Ginnifer Goodwin. That's her on the left. You may recognize Miss Goodwin from her role as Johnny Cash's first wife in Walk the Line. I think she's totally cute. In fact, I've been a fan of her's since she appeared as a semi-regular on TV's Ed. Speaking of: Is it just me, or were the stories about the high-schoolers on that show always more interesting than the Ed-centric ones? I bet that show would still be around if they'd dumped the adult characters' storylines and made it into a quirky, high-school comedy.

Anyway, Ginnifer -- or Ginny, as she's known to both me and to my rival for her affections, Topher Grace (they're dating) -- will also be starring in HaechBO's Big Love, a series about a polygamous Mormon dude that's set in the home of the Missing Wallet, Salt Lake City, Utah. I say "cool," but it looks like some other more paranoid Mormons are crying, "gay Hollywood conspiracy meant to depict us in an unflattering light". Whatever. I think we Mormons need to be less paranoid about what other people think of us, and a lot more paranoid about what we catch ourselves thinking of them. Case in point: In addition to being notorious homophobes, it looks like we're still a bunch of racist a-holes.

Following Christmas celebrations at Ginny's, I'll embrace my polygamous Mormon heritage, and head over to Steve "Gutes" Guttenberg's place for fake Hanukkah with my second fake girlfriend. See, her name is Krysten Ritter. She plays Gutes's daughter on TV's Veronica Mars, so I think it's safe to assume that she'll be at Gutes's pad with her fake family for fake Hanukkah. I actually don't know much about Miss Ritter, but Marvelous Marvin Hagler she's one attractive young lady.

I'm Sick, Bird

2005-12-02T00:22:00.000-07:00

Remember these for the next time you get into a snap fight with a large bird (e.g., an ostrich, rhea, emu, cassowary, or Big Bird).

Your grandmomma's feet so crusty, look like they belong to a damn V. mongoliensis.
Your grandmomma so old, she's not from Asia, she's from Laurasia.

Oh, snap!

Conspiracy à Go-Go!

2005-11-30T01:01:00.000-07:00

Bloomberg reports that a tropical storm is moving in the "general direction" of Bermuda. But then, in the third paragraph of the story, it's mentioned that the storm will not "directly affect" the island nation. To me, this seems to be a non-story. Why would Bloomberg be covering it? Well, a headline declaring that a tropical storm is imminent would send futures of any Bermuda-produced commodities soaring. But what does Bermuda produce? It's just a haven for a-hole rich dudes and a-hole corporations trying to duck corporate income taxes, right? Then it hit me: Someone at the Bloomberg organization is trying to corner the market on Bermuda-shorts futures. Mayor Bloomberg, J'accuse!

¡Salud!

2005-11-29T00:08:00.000-07:00

Once again, it's time for the weekly health & medicine update, brought to you, as always, by mon frères at l'OMS. Alors, mes amis!

Une fille de Quebéc est morte following a kiss with her boyfriend. The girl had a severe allegy to peanuts and her boyfriend had just eaten a peanut butter sandwich. George Washington Carver, what hast thou wrought?

Doctors in Ireland find that when a girl walks in with an itty-bitty waist and puts a round thing in their face... its very difficult to give her a proper injection.

A misguided attempt at cheekiness? Apparently, writers for the Associated Press are keen on the double entendre. In its article describing a set of new CPR procedures adopted by the American Heart Association, the AP thought it would be hilarious to lead off with the quote "Push hard, push fast". Unfortunately for the AP, its attempt at humor ended up describing an act of necrophelia. Bad call? For me, no. For the AP, yes.

Bass! How Low Can You Go?

2005-11-23T00:21:00.000-07:00

I recently discovered that the theme song to my life is "The Sign" by Ace of Base. Yeah, I guess it works. But I wonder, is my raison d'etre embodied by the young Scandinavian girl trying to get over her insensitive clod of a young Scandinavian boyfriend? Or instead, am I the young Scandinavian fellow, who must beware of female pop singers who all of a sudden have some sort of epiphany and think they're too good for me? Find the theme song to your life here. [via No Frontin']

I try to stay away from dealing in stories that make President Bush out to be less than well informed. I'm not a "Bush basher", I'm a critic. But if this story turns out to be true, I'm really worried about the dude.

Wax On, Wax Off

2005-11-21T00:22:00.000-07:00

I saw Pride & Prejudice (or, "P 2 da P", as I prefer to call it) this weekend. In my eyes, it's a real improvement on the marathon of a mini-series produced by the BBC several years back. Blasphemy, you say? Well, let me 'splain myself. For one thing, this new version cuts out all of the boring stuff. The Bennet sisters talking to each other for hours on end? Who needs it? I'm here to see Elizabeth cut dudes some new ones with her verbal karate. And all of her greatest hits are in this movie. Another thing this movie gets right? Aside from Jena Malone (and her gross cold-sore) in the role of Lydia, the Bennet sisters are played by hot chix (yeah I spelled it with an "x"). Former Bond girl Rosamund Pike as Jane? Hot. And Keira Knightley will always be the sexiest tomboy beanpole on the planet. Miss Knightley's unusually long and graceful neck is highlighted to great effect in this film. Were I a vampire, I'd have fainted from the incessant teasing.

Some reviews have been highly critical of the shout out to John Hughes' Sixteen Candles that is the film's romantic denouement. They even cut the scene out of the British release. I say it was a clever little homage to a film that cribbed more than a few story elements from Jane Austen in the first place.

Heidi Fleiss is opening a "stud farm," featuring an all-male stable of prostitutes, in Pahrump, Nevada. In a related story, I'll soon be moving to Pahrump. I've figured out what I want to do with my life... become a full-time stud farm customer.

Can Anyone Say "Roommates from Hell"?

2005-11-18T23:58:00.000-07:00

Meanwhile, back at Hogwarts Castle... "Seriously, bros! This is getting old. I'm trying to read, back here."

As always, The Mystery of the Missing Wallet is your #1 source for the latest in tween-oriented, Harry Potter-themed gay porn.

Also on the Harry Potter tip: Yours truly caught The Goblet of Fire at noon today. Thus far, it's my favorite of the films, and I recommend that you see it. But, perhaps more intriguing than the film itself was the make-up of the audience. As per Friday matinee usual, there was a large complement of creepy single dudes on hand. We creepy dudes are accustomed to having the theater to ourselves on Friday afternoons, so it was with a bit of surprise that I found the auditorium audience supplemented by a contingent of hot moms, and several groupings of junior high school girls. Weird dudes, hot moms, young girls -- creep city already, right? Well creepiness (actually, creepiness and hilarity) ascended to heights I've never experienced when one of those dudes made a rather loud catcall during a scene where Hermione descends a staircase wearing an evening gown, and for the first time we, as an audience, realize that she has boobs. Concerned moms were on perv patrol from that point on.

18 Years

2005-11-16T23:29:00.000-07:00

Revealed: The true father of Katie's baby.

Speaking of Ms. Holmes, has everyone hear that rumor about her and her fetus-soothing electrotransmitter [third item]? Whoa, Katie. My baby and I aren't big fans of EM radiation. If you're going to bombard our love-child with anything, make it particle raditaion. It's much more likely to result in cool X-Men type mutations.

Neo of the Matrix advises that you read Paul Krugman's column, "Health Economics 101." It's a companion to last week's column about nationalized healthcare.

The remainder of the Mystery of the Missing Wallet Center for Advanced Future Studies' Board of Trustees recommends that you read about Google's upcoming business plans. Medical research powered by the Google search engine? That's kinda' cool.

Aqualung My Friend

2005-11-15T12:16:00.000-07:00

The WB and Millar/Gough Ink are set to bring Aquaman to your TV screen. It's proposed that the series be set in Florida, and that Aquaman's alter ego be an environmentalist. I see two potential problems with this set-up. First, there are two types of environmentalists: the mother-earth neo-hippie types, and the science nerds. The people who follow the science nerds (myself included) cringe when the neo-hippies mouth off about their organic wine and hemp clothing, because their kookiness destroys the credibility of our science in the minds of the unconverted. Ergo, I want to see Aquaman in a lab coat and surrounded by test tubes and scientific apparati, or I don't want to see him at all. If he comes off as a neo-hippy, spouting platitudes like "save the whales" and "give a hoot"... I. Will. Freak. Second, shows set in Florida tend to be infected with the Jimmy Buffet parrots-and-piña-coladas vibe. I can't stand that stuff, and neither can anyone under the age of 50. If the show is to have a more youthful audience, there's only one route to go, vibe-wise, and that's Dogtown & Z-Boys. Straight up.

Speaking of hippies, I recommend that you read Nation of Rebels: Why Counterculture Became Consumer Culture. It's kind of two books in one. It's a primer on "keepin' it real" for hipsters, but it's also an indictment of hippies and their narcissistic brand of anarchy. Check it out.

I Predict a Riot

2005-11-13T01:22:00.000-07:00

Is it me, or is this story sounding increasingly like a sub-plot from Neal Stephenson's Snow Crash. A floating pirate-mothership? A futuristic sonic weapon that makes your ears bleed and is available for purchase. A "sound saber"? Is that bad-ass, or what? Snow Crash recently made Time's list of "100 All-Time Novels." You should check it out. It's an excellent read.

The citizens of Maine propose that Poland Spring should pay a severance tax on the water it bottles. I say good idea. Why should water be exempt from a tax that miners of any other mineral are required to pay?

The return of the boy-band? Tween-age girls turn suburban Minneapolis into suburban Paris as B5 (the latest creation of my main man P. Diddy) takes the stage. B5 is produced by Rodney Jerkins (boo), furthering my theory that tweens will buy into ANYTHING that is sold to them, including Enron at $90 a share back in 2000. Stupid tweens.

Fake Girlfriend: November Edition

2005-11-11T00:35:00.000-07:00

My fake girlfriend for November is Kari Byron. You probably know her as the cute red-head from television's Mythbusters. I'm actually quite smitten with her. She's extra cool because in addition to her ability to wear the hell out a bikini, she knows how to weld, and build stuff and do all those things those California kustom-kulture people can do. And she's an artist too. She makes creepy little dolls that remind me of that freaky puppet-on-a-tricycle from SAW.

I'm actually so fond of Miss Byron that I regret naming her as November's fake girlfriend, because immediately after meeting my fake parents at fake Thanksgiving, I'll have to dump her to make way for December's fake paramour. She'll be all depressed for Christmas and whatnot (I'm a special dude -- it's really hard to get over me). Too bad.

Neo of the Matrix: What a Ranter

2005-11-10T00:35:00.000-07:00

My think tank, The Mystery of the Missing Wallet Center for Advanced Future Studies, is really taking off. Over the past few weeks, I've been able to recruit a number of my bros to serve as the Center's Board of Trustees. The board now includes such luminaries as futurist Alvin Toffler, Neo of the Matrix, Future Man, and Timbuk 3. At our last meeting, the board voted to issue it's first policy paper. So, without further ado...

Policy Paper #1
Neo of the Matrix: Principal Author

Do yourself a favor and read Monday's Paul Krugman column. It's a simple statement of the case for nationalized health insurance. "But, I have health insurance," you say? "Why should I support universal healthcare?" The answer is simple. You know how your employer has been having you pay an increasing percentage of your annual premium? Or, in lieu of that, how its been raising your deductible to ridiculously high levels and telling you that medical savings plans are the way to go? Your company's shareholders want back that money that they've been spending on your health care, and if current trends continue, they're going to get it.

In addition to the "Why should I care?" refrain, it's quite often that I hear statements to the effect of, "I won't be satisfied with the quality of my care under a nationalized system." As recently as two weeks ago, I saw a bebow-tied (like bespectacled, but with bow-ties) Tucker Carlson, in an appearance on Bill Maher, ask the host incredulously, "Do you really think Canadians are satisfied with their healthcare?" Yes, Mr. Carlson, I do. And so do they, as is clearly indicated by their choice for "The Greatest Canadian." Remember how the Discovery Channel and Matt Lauer declared Ronald Reagan "The Greatest American" earlier this year? Well, guess who Canadians consider "The Greatest Canadian"? It's Tommy Douglas, the founder of their national health care system.

Tangentially related: Has anyone been watching those Rx for Survival specials on PBS? Seems that the drug industry is no longer interested in producing either vaccines or antibiotic drugs. They don't like to risk R&D monies on single dose (in the case of vaccines) or single cycle (in the case of antibiotics) drugs. They're more interested in chronically administered drug treatments. The situation makes me think that we ought to establish a national drug-development laboratory, and secure resulting patents in the public trust. Licensing the patent technologies to commercial drug companies will in turn defray a substantial portion of the lab's operation expenses. We already have government-owned germ-warfare laboratories (read Lab 257 for an account suggesting that such a lab was responsible for the outbreak of both Lyme disease and the West-Nile virus), why shouldn't we have anti-germ laboratories as well.

Intemperance... Squash It!

2005-11-08T00:08:00.000-07:00

One again, it's time for the Missing Wallet's weekly business roundup, brought to you, as always, by my bros at Japan's Ministry of Economy, Trade and Industry. Konichiwa, bitches!

Alarmed by the posting of redonkulously high profits, the Senate calls for the testimony of the nation's oil barons. Oil barons, you've got some 'splaining to do.
While this is cool and all, I and my cronies at The Mystery of the Missing Wallet Center for Advanced Future Studies predict that the future of wireless technology lies in the deployment of a national Wi-Fi network, and the melding of Wi-Fi and voice-over-internet-protocol technologies. Tech-bubble II, y'all. Look into it.
Apparently, cheerleaders like to "get down to business" in bathroom stalls.

Today is election day for many of my peeps. As my main man P. Diddy would say, "Vote or Die!" If your city wasn't hip to the Progressive movement of the early 20th Century, and you don't have off-year elections... too bad for you.

Read Grambo's post about new 60 Minutes correspndent, Lara Logan, who is eleven kinds of H-O-T. I've been wondering if Gulf War Too would get around to producing its own Scud Stud. Well, she's arrived. And the fact that this war's Arthur Kent has boobs and a cute ponytail is cool, and nothing but.

Who's Zoomin' Who?

2005-11-07T00:29:00.000-07:00

Revealed: The source of Nick & Jessica's marital strife.

Nickel Creek covers Britney Spears' "Toxic", live. It appears that they perform it as a novelty, but they do a really good job of it. Nickel Creek is a Bluegrass ban, so there's no drummer in sight, but their cover retains the propulsiveness of the original. Cool! I've been a fan of "The Creek," as I refer to both the band and television's Dawson's Creek --yes, it's a confusing system, but that's how I roll-- since their last album. I liked that song "Speak" with the unintelligible whispers in the background. And they recorded that song a full three years before Mr. Collipark introduced his "intimate club" movement and had guys whispering about their man-junk all over their records. Nickel Creek was ahead of its time. [via Stereogum]

I've already written about The Incredible Shrinking Duff, but ONTD has provided us with an update, including before and after photos.

And finally, as if writing about Jessica Simpson and Hilary Duff in the same post wasn't enough to confirm suspicions that I'm really a tweenage girl...

Bad Vibrations?

2005-11-05T01:26:00.000-07:00

Brian Wilson is being sued by Mike Love for misappropriation of intellectual property. Apparently, Mr. Love isn't satisfied with the royalties earned from his meager contribution to Mr. Wilson's Smile. Do you know what Mike Love contributed to that album? One stupid couplet to "Good Vibrations": I'm pickin' up good vibrations, she's giving me excitiations. The rest of his lyrics were scrapped in favor of Tony Asher's, but those two lines earned Mike Love a co-writing credit, and for that, he'll be endorsing royalty and residual checks in perpetuity. I already disliked those lines. In my opinion, they nearly ruined (by drowning out the theremin) that perfect song. With this development, I like them even less.

The lawsuit alone proves that Mike Love sucks, but it also brings to light a much larger issue: dude is single handedly ruining the Beach Boys' legacy. In Mike Love's eyes "Kokomo" is the Beach Boys' greatest song. Seriously. And have you ever caught one of his "Beach Boys" shows? If not, just imagine Jimmy Buffet and Coconut Pete vomiting parrots and piña coladas all over each other. That's what it's like. Now mix in John Stamos on drums. It's sickening.

MySpace: Tool of "The Man"

2005-11-04T00:27:00.000-07:00

MySpace is starting an in-house record label. Rupert Murdoch recently paid $580 extra-large for the website (Tom's rich, yo!), leading some to believe that he was in the process of creating a youth-oriented media network to rival MTV. Looks like they were right. And looks like all of your favorite Fox TV shows will feature cross-promotional soundtracks brimming with screamo drek. Yuck!

Jackass II: The Movie is coming to a theater near you next Christmas. Possibly related: Jackass II: The Movie: The Experience recently premiered at a Home Depot in Colorado. Some dude claims that The Experience will lead you to contract both diabetes and coronary artery disease. Cool!

Politics, Bountiful Style!

2005-11-03T01:03:00.000-07:00

I call shenanigans in the offices of The Davis County Clipper. Details below.

For those who don't already know, The Mystery of the Missing Wallet is headquartered in the lovely hamlet of Bountiful, Utah -- a suburb of Salt Lake City. About a month ago, the city council amended its alcohol permitting ordinance to allow restauranteurs to apply for a variance to the portion of the ordinance which prohibits vendors from serving beer within 600 feet walking distance, or 200 feet straight-line distance from any school, church, or library. The ordinance now matches the beer permitting section of the Utah Code.

In amending the ordinance, I think the city council had one particular restaurant in mind. See, Bountiful is home to about a million fast food restaurants, but there are only two established and stable restaurants of the sit-down variety. One is the gross Italian joint called Robintino's; the other is a Mexican joint called El Matador's. About a year ago, El Matador's was forced out of its location as part of a redevelopment plan that was clearing the way for a new Costco (big box retailers -- boo! ). El Matador's owner/operator is an Armenian-born dude, and he wasn't able to rally many troops to his cause in exceedingly "Anglo" Bountiful. Anyway, the dude decided to rebuild across from the city library, and in a effort to keep one of our two restaurants from going under, the city decided to amend the ordinance so that he would at least have the chance of applying for a beer permit. And it's no guarantee that such a permit will be granted. He still has to go through a public hearing when his permit application comes before the council, and the Bountiful public (a rather homogeneously Mormon bunch) is decidedly anti-beer.

Knowing that a discussion of anything alcohol related would likely cause pandemonium in the council chambers, the city council abided by public notification laws, but purposely kept word about the proposed amendment on the down-low. The amendment passed, but in the issue sent to presses immediately following the amendment, The Davis County Clipper (a semi-weekly newspaper serving the Bountiful area), its editor, and its staff freaked-the-hell-out. The editorials, articles, and columns of that issue hinted at some sort of grand conspiracy aimed at harming the citizens of Bountiful, even going so far as to suggest that a large number of school children would run over by drunk drivers as the result of this amendment.

I have a suspicion that The Clipper's outrage and scare tactics were driven in large part by one of it's weekly columnists, Joann Hamilton. In fact, I think she has captured the agenda of The Clipper's editorial board. See, Ms. Hamilton also runs an organization called Citizens for Families, which serves as a sort of morality-themed neighborhood watch in the Bountiful area. It's goal, over the past several years, has been to get local merchants to place black-out covers over the magazines on their news-stands for the stated reason that exposure to images of cover-models on said magazines turns young boys into serial rapists. Crazy? Yes, but personally, I think she's crazy because she's a Mormon and she worships at the feet of James Dobson, a man who thinks Mormons are of the devil.

Fred Moss is a Bountiful city councilman who is up for re-election in November. Two weeks ago he wrote a letter to The Clipper's editor defending his and the council's actions. The Clipper, in a move they make perhaps once a year, appended a decidedly snarky editorial statement to Mr. Moss' letter. Meanwhile, the paper prints letters like this regarding its columnist, Ms. Hamilton.

By writing the letter, Mr. Moss seems to have won the ire of The Clipper's staff. I now think that they are gunning for his seat, and at that, I call shenanigans. Just this week they printed a story about the ongoing debate over the alcohol ordinance and various candidates' prospects for the upcoming election. A quote from Mr. Moss is again given a snarky dismissal. Mr. Moss happens to be my niece's soccer coach, and from what I know of him, I can tell you that he's a good dude and a good councilman. It appears that the Clipper is aiming to take him down. If they succeed, it is they who will have done a disservice to the citizens of Bountiful.

Please Hammer, Don't Hurt 'Em

2005-11-01T00:05:00.000-07:00

Astronomers looking through the Hubble Telescope have found two new satellites orbiting Pluto. The Reuters article seems to indicate that Pluto's planetary status is up for debate. All the cool kids know that this is not the case. My bro, Neil deGrasse Tyson, put that issue to rest a long time ago. Pluto ain't nothin' but a glorified comet, yo! P.S., get your fill of Hubble-related discoveries while you can. It's only going to be around for a couple more years.

M.C. Hammer is selling the publishing rights to his back-catalog (my use of the "back" modifier was probably unnecessary; I don't think we'll be seeing much in the way of "front-catalog" from the man). If you're considering making an investment, might I suggest that "They Put Me in the Mix" is his finest work.

This may only be of interest to my readers in the GSL, but Seth Jeffs, the brother of infamous polygamist fugitive and kook, Warren Jeffs, was caught in Colorado shuttling loads of cash and and what was possibly a male prostitute to his sibling. And this just days after Warren was spotted in the fishing department of the local Cabela's. Fishing indeed...for pretty male prostitutes.

Diwali is the New Hallowe'en!

2005-10-31T12:15:00.000-07:00

Halloween is so over. Even its "cool" cousin, Hallowe'en, is trending towards overness. It's a stale holiday that's been co-opted by Big Retail; it's become a tool of "The Man." Only squares still dig on it. My bro, Alvin Toffler, and I are predicting that the future of autumnal holiday celebrations is Diwali. That's why --in lieu of Hallowe'en-- you, me, and all of our Desi friends will be celebrating Diwali this year. It's time to get with the influences of the South Asian diaspora, yo! Diwali is tomorrow.

Daniel Radcliffe (the kid who plays Harry Potter in the movies) admits to Time that he once had a crush on Hermione. Yeah, so what...we all have. But here's the shocker of the interview: his "best friend" is a 39-year-old guy who works as his "personal dresser." Scandalous indeed.

Well, I'm a Stuff My Face to a Funky Beat!

2005-10-29T01:36:00.000-06:00

Mr. Sulu openly defies Starfleet's "don't ask, don't tell" policy. You live your life, Mr. Sulu!

Yeah...forget what I said about the burst of the oil bubble. Exxon Mobil is reporting a third quarter profit of 10 billion dollars. It looks like Big Oil is going to charge us whatever they want, and we're going to pay up. Meanwhile, Wall Street a-holes are disappointed (!?) with the numbers. How is Exxon planning to spend its profits, you ask? Fake flu-shots.

Speaking of the flu, I recently ran into friend who told me that I was looking rather trim. I replied with a "thank you" and told her that I'd just gotten over the flu and had dropped a couple of pounds during my illness. My friend's response: "Well, that flu did you a favor." I came to two realizations as the result of this conversation. One, my friend had previously thought of me as a "fatty." And two, bird flu is going to be the "cocaine diet" of '06.

I Dub Thee Sir Phobos, Knight of Mars!

2005-10-27T00:08:00.000-06:00

Seems people are finally figuring out that Desperate Housewives is the dook. Yay! But while that show retains its #2 ranking, me and like a couple other dudes watch the vastly superior Veronica Mars. Boo! Seriously, if you've been brainwashed into thinking you're a fan of the Housewives, check out Veronica Mars; you won't be disappointed. Swears. You think DH is saucy? Veronica Mars features the weekly exploits of brothers named "Dick" and "Beaver." And while the DH's were trying to figure out who killed some ol' lady last year (Boo!), Veronica Mars was on the case of a hot blonde girl's murder. And Greta Van Susteren's career has proven, the murder of a hot blonde girls makes for compelling television. Seriously, just start watching the show. This year's episodes are proving to be even more interesting than last year's, and I'm not even sure that's technically possible.
The Missing Wallet also recommends:

Rick Sebak's A Cemetery Special. It premiered last night on PBS, but you can probably catch a re-run sometime this week. If you're a fan of documentaries, you may already know Rick Sebak's name. He's the guy that makes films about hot dogs, ice cream, roller coasters, etc. Check your local listings.
Last week's Frontline episode, "The Torture Question." This thing just destroys Donald Rumsfeld. If more than 0.00001% of the country had seen this thing, Rumsfeld would be running for the hills. Dude's bad news.

Breaking News: Stephen Colbert just quoted an article from my daily read, The Salt Lake Tribune, on The Colbert Report. Actually, it was a story about Mike Wallace that was picked up from The Philadelphia Inquirer, so it's not that cool after all.

eBay Killa'

2005-10-26T00:02:00.000-06:00

Do I know what I'm talking about when it comes to rhyme-industry shootings? The answer, of course, is yes.

That attempted carjacking of Cam'ron's Lamborghini may not have been a carjacking at all, or so say the DC police. Today we learned that Cam was being followed by the even more recognizable pink Range Rover. Who wouldn't have recognized this was a Diplomats caravan? Batman drives the batmobile, Oscar Meyer drives the wiener mobile, and the Dip-set rolls in a blue Lamborghini followed by a pink Range Rover. It's that simple. Yo, I was serious about buying Google. Tech Bubble II is for reals.

Switcheroo?

2005-10-25T01:09:00.000-06:00

You all know that watch a lot of TV, right? Well, a thought occurred to me as I watched Bill Kristol predict an impending withdrawal of Harriet Miers' nomination to the Supreme Court on tonight's Daily Show. Last year I was in the habit of watching this show, Jack & Bobby, on the WB. It was not a great show and was justifiably cancelled, but my dual crushes on Keri Lynn Pratt and Jessica Paré (not to be confused with Michael Paré -- Eddie Lives!) kept me coming back week after week. Read the bottom of this post if you'd care for a more detailed explanation of the show, but for our present purposes, it's sufficient to say that the show was about a shrimpy kid who grows up become president.

One particular episode of Jack & Bobby featured a story about the president's nomination of his best friend to the Supreme Court bench. Accusations of cronyism became so rampant that the best friend was eventually forced to decline the nomination. An alternate was named, and in an effort to put the whole ugly episode to rest --for the good of the country-- the alternate was quickly confirmed. Over the course of the show, however, it was revealed that the best friend's nomination was part of a carefully crafted ruse. The president, fearing that an ideological conservative nominee wouldn't make it through senate hearings, nominated the friend with full expectations of a negative backlash. The friend was in on the plot, and bowed out, on cue, so that the president's actual nominee (the apparent alternate) would seem a relatively enlightened choice.

Hearing a neo-con insider like Bill Kristol talk about a potential Harriet Miers withdrawal brought the Jack & Bobby plot to mind. I'm not saying that this is what is actually going on, but if Ms. Miers withdraws this week and some kook like Robert Bork is re-nominated, I just want it on record that I called it.

'Cause We Gon' Take a Ride Tonight

2005-10-23T23:55:00.000-06:00

Cam'ron was shot in an attempted carjacking on Sunday. I find it hard to believe that his was a random incident. Everyone knows that he drives a blue Lamborghini; he was arrested in it a few months ago.

And now it's time for The Mystery of the Missing Wallet's weekly economic wrap-up, brought to you, as always, by my bros at Japan's Ministry of Economy, Trade and Industry. Konnichiwa, bitches!

Dump your real estate holdings and start driving places again because the real estate and oil bubbles are about to burst, yo! Looking for alternative investments? Allow me to recommend that you not invest in basement-located cold-fusion "laboratories." Those dudes is crazy. Instead, consider investing your currency in Tech Bubble 2: Electric Boogaloo.

Your Aubrey HQ

2005-10-22T00:59:00.000-06:00

Everyone coming through here for the past couple of days has been looking for the goods on Making the Band's Aubrey O'Day. Perhaps this is because according to MSN Search, yours truly is the number 5 source for said goods. Any dude who's into stalking young starlets on the internets could have found the stuff I've found, but if you're looking for pictures of Miss O'Day, try her MySpace, the forums on her official site, or this unofficial site.

Your Mom Smokes Crack!

2005-10-20T22:56:00.000-06:00

Tina Fey is back on Saturday Night Live this week. Sweet. But if I were her I'd be pissed that NBC bought Aaron Sorkin's rip-off of my pilot while I was out on maternity leave. I'll always be a Tina loyalist, but are we all in agreeance that Amy Poehler is creeping up on Tina's "Hottest Girl on SNL" title?

Speaking of hotness, did anyone catch tonight's "Aquaman" episode of Smallville, featuring Lois Lane in a bikini? Hachi Machi! Aquaman is a total babe, right?

ONTD has a link to the new Junior Senior album, which as of now is only available for purchase in yen yen bills, y'all.

Gag Me With A Spoon!

2005-10-19T23:18:00.000-06:00

Ahmet Zappa must have bitten into one hell of a fortune cookie. First, he get to sleep with this girl on a nightly basis. Now, he gets checks from Jerry Bruckheimer in the amount of 1.5 extra-large for books he's written that won't even be published for another year.

I saw Elizabethtown. It was good, but I think Orlando Bloom was mis-cast as the lead. He played the über-normal guy in a movie full of quirky characters. I guess Cameron Crowe may have been trying to play the contrast to comedic effect, but he failed. I couldn't help but think that this movie would have been a lot funnier had Ashton Kutcher been in it. I also couldn't help but think that had Toper Grace been in it, this movie would have been a laugh riot (Toledo, OH style!) and a possible Oscar™ contender.

It's Powdered Sugar...It's Delicious

2005-10-18T23:29:00.000-06:00

Sylvester Stallone to return to the screen as Rocky and Rambo. I think this means is that dude found a supply of some very high quality steroids.

I've bee sick with the influenza virus for the past couple of days, and while watching T.V. in bed for the past 48 hours I came across this show. It's called LazyTown and it's made for actual 9-year-olds (as opposed to emotional 9-year-olds, like myself), but I think it's a work of genius. It's funny and creepy and educational all at the same time, and all I know is that I'm moving to Iceland to beg for a job on the writing staff.

I'm Not Tryin' to Hear That, See?

2005-10-16T23:51:00.000-06:00

Zach Braff officially claims the title "Pimp of the Year" as we learn that he made The O.C.'s Adam Brody a cuckold by gettin' busy with Mr. Brody's girlfriend, Rachel Bilson. Braff's pimp-cred is bolstered previous liaisons with the likes of Bonnie Somerville, Natalie Portman, and Mandy Moore. Braff won his title by beating out defending "Pimp of the Year," Wilmer Valderama (T.V.'s Fez), whose previous lady-friends have included Mandy Moore, Lindsay Lohan (when she was cute), and Ashlee Simpson, but whose current paramour, the freakish Jamie Pressley ('Sup, Pacey?), took him out of the running.

Harriet Miers to be re-released as Harriet Miers: Accomplishment Edition.

Capricorn One

2005-10-14T12:10:00.000-06:00

Take this quiz to determine the political ideology with which you most closely align. Yours truly is a borderline socialist.

The quiz indicates that Darth Vader is a totalitarian. Chewbacca, on the other hand, is probably more of a libertarian. He and Han are all about free enterprise, you know? I just thought you might be interested in Chewbacca's political views, seeing as how he's about to become an American citizen. You might also be interested to learn that Chupacabras, close cousins of the Chewbaccas, are American citizens as well. Residents of Puerto Rico were granted that status in 1917.

Thinkin' of a Master Plan

2005-10-13T12:15:00.000-06:00

Yours truly wants himself a book deal. So now, in addition to featuring all the latest in celebrity gossip, political intrigue, and popular science, the Missing Wallet is all about cooking. My latest culinary creation is a knock-off of the coconut flan from Cafe Rio's. I think the addition of coconut is an improvement on the traditional recipe, which can be a little eggy for my tastes. Et, la recette...

You will need:

3 eggs
5 yolks
1 can coconut milk
1 can sweetened evaporated milk
1 splash of vanilla extract
shredded coconut (May be sweetened or unsweetened and toasted or untoasted. I prefer sweetened and toasted.)
'bout 1 cup of granulated sugar

Melt about a cup of sugar in a 9" or 10" round cake pan on the cook top. Make sure the sugar carmelizes but don't let it burn. Whatever you do, do not touch molten sugar. That stuff is liquid hell-death. Allow the liquid death cool down then sprinkle with shredded coconut. Beat the eggs and yolks for a few minutes until pale yellow. Add the coconut milk, sweetened evaporated milk and vanilla. Blend thoroughly. Pour mixture into the prepared pan and bake in bain-marie at 325° for about 50 minutes. Remove the whole setup from the oven and let the pan cool in the bain-marie before chilling in the fridge for at least a few hours. Invert to a platter before serving et voilà, flan.

The Smurfs have been enlisted to raise money for UNICEF. Make a donation before the poor Smurfs are forced to resort to this→

Laura Bush suggests that a lot of the griping about Harriet Miers' nomination to the Supreme Court is due to sexism. I think it's due to sexiness, rawrrr! But serioulsy folks, not that my lame joke helped the situation, but I think our First Lady may be on to something.

Read the Village Voice's review of last Friday's United State of Electronica show in New York. [via Whatevs] Remember, U.S.E. is playing Salt Lake's Urban Lounge on October 20th. I say yo, homeboy!

Something's Real Bad Wrong... In My Pants

2005-10-12T00:15:00.000-06:00

"Whoa," Keanu style! Last night I file a report about Daniel Craig being up for the role of James Bond, then in today's news we learn that he will be named as the new Bond later this week. Synchronicity indeed.

And now, the Weekly Science Roundup, brought to you, as always, by my bros at the Sandia Laboratories. Take it away, bros...

Have you guys seen Mars lately? It's redonkulously bright right now.

"Jungle" Jack Hanna was on Letterman the other night and explained to Dave that the SARS outbreak, which occurred a few years back, was the result of people coming into contact with civet blood at Chinese "exotic animal" restaurants. Turns out there's even more to the story. It's now thought that the virus probably originated in bats. The civets only became infected after being held in close proximity to captive bats at Chinese animal markets.

Death is Just a Bowl of Cherries

2005-10-11T12:59:00.000-06:00

Jude Law flips the script and dumps Sienna Miller following the couple's brief reconciliation. Seems Miss Miller had occasion to get freaky with Daniel Craig, one of Mr. Law's best mates. [via Goldenfiddle] If you're not familiar with Mr. Craig, he appeared in the excellent film, Layer Cake, and he's one of the guys in the running to become the next James Bond.

Speaking of James Bond, I've been listening to that new Strokes' song "You Only Live Once" quite a bit, and it got me thinking about all of the cool Bond titles that are based on familiar proverbs (e.g., "you only live once" becomes, You Only Live Twice), but usually substitute some form of the word "death" for some form of the word "life" (e.g., "live and let live" becomes Live and Let Die). Anyway, I came up with a brilliant treatment for a new Bond film entitled C'est la Mort. Well, it's not so much a full-on treatment as it sweet one-liner that Bond can spout when he dispatches a couple of henchmen. Trust me, the rest of the movie will write itself. The one-liner? Peep this: For some reason (TBD) there's a fight going down in a fast-food kitchen in France. Bond judo chops a couple of giant French dudes, dunks their heads in a fry-o-lator, and ducks out past an implausibly hot cashier. As he passes the cashier he gives her the sly smile and says, "I'll have the French fries. Supersized." Oh, snap!

Check out Deerhoof's "You Can See" over at Stereogum. I think it sounds like the kind of song the Beatles would still be writing had they been trapped in some sort of looping distortion of space-time following the release of Sgt. Pepper's.

This is a hilarious post from ONTD concerning Kirsten Dunst's boobs.

A catalog of gay robots. [via Thighs]

Fake Girlfriend: October Edition

2005-10-10T00:23:00.000-06:00

This month's fake girlfriend honors belong to Miss Aubrey O'Day, who you may recognize from P. Diddy's Making the Band: 3. That's her above, on the right. Confused? This may clarify things: she's not the one who appears to be the victim of a botched tracheotomy. I feel a little bad about using this photo, because there are other much more attractive photos of Miss O'Day floating around. But none of those lent themselves to an hilarious joke at the expense of her friend's misguided fashion experiment.

[Update: There's a link to Aubrey's MySpace and a picture forum here.]

I think Aubrey looks like the biological chimaera resulting from the recombination of DNA obtained from Brittny Gastineau (Filthy Rich: Cattle Drive) and Lauren "LC" Conrad (Laguna Beach). Am I right, or am I totally right?

Speaking of Filthy Rich: Cattle Drive, has anyone else been watching that show? Here's a fun fact: the show was co-created by Joe "ecclesiastical and biological father of Jessica and Ashlee" Simpson and Malcom in the Middle's elder (but not eldest) brother, Reese in the Middle. For reals, check it out. Odd Pair, no?

Personally, I watch the show to fume at the weekly antics of that prick, Fabian Basabe, who is pictured above, giving Barbara Bush a "pony ride." Here are a couple of fun facts about Mr. Basabe:

Much like Barbara's father, Mr. Basabe doesn't care about black people.
He doesn't seem to have much love for the fairer sex either.
Mr. Basabe is a citizen of Ecuador. Is there any wonder why leftist politics remain popular there? If that dude was representative of the ruling class of my country, I'd go guerilla too.

I Can See Your Cloaca

2005-10-07T01:01:00.000-06:00

This is the absolute COOLEST thing I have EVER seen! Consider the situation for a moment: a python swallowed a six-foot-long alligator, which subsequently kicked its way out of the python's gut. Monsters fighting monsters? Stuff like this isn't supposed to happen. I mean, have you ever seen a bear and a lion mixing it up? No. And you've certainly never seen a bear win such a fight by ingesting said lion, only to have the lion give that bear a final "F*** You!" by karate kicking its way out of the bear's belly. Seriously, this is some Godzilla vs. Mothra type shizz...except this shizz happened FOR REALS, YO!

If the photos that normally grace the pages of the Missing Wallet aren't appearing on your computer screen....Ha!, you've just been punk'd™ by your (and my) internet service provider, L3 Communications, which thought it would be hilarious to shut off half of the internets.

To all my peeps in the greater Great Salt Lake area: United State of Electronica is playing the Urban Lounge on October 20th. I question the patriotism of those that do not attend, HUAC style!

Let the Sun Shine!

2005-10-06T01:29:00.000-06:00

Something cosmic is at work, folks. First, Lindsay Lohan crashed her car and Pat O'Brien's The Insider was already on the scene. Then we learn that Kate Moss is a fugitive from justice. Next, we find out that Nick Lachey and Jessica Simpson's marrige ist kaputt. And now we learn that Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes are expecting a little thetan. I feel that I may be overcome by the sheer volume of celebrity gossip I've encountered in the last twenty-four hours. Such a (mis)alignment of the stars occurs but once, maybe twice per aeon. This truly is the dawning of the Age of Aquarius.

They Have a New Volleyball Court

2005-10-05T13:03:00.000-06:00

LiLo is having a bad week. First she gets collared for squandering charitable monies earmarked for poor Hatian children. Then she up and crashes her car into some dude in a van. Look here for a photo of the scene. Could the late Jerry Garcia have been any more prophetic when he sang the following highly edited words: "Drivin' that [black Mercedes], high on cocaine. [Linday Lohan], you better watch your speed"? I think not. Miss Lohan, it's time for you to take a page from Mary-Kate's playbook and get your behind to the picturesque Cirque Lodge in lovely Provo, Utah.

Kevin Smith to appear on Wednesday' episode of Veronica Mars. The Missing Wallet highly recommends this show. It's like The O.C. meets Magnum P.I.

Son of Jor-El, Kneel Before Zod!

2005-10-04T00:52:00.000-06:00

Nicholas Cage names his new baby, Kal-El. Remember a few years ago, when Mr. Cage was going to play Supes in that Kevin Smith scripted, Tim Burton directed project? Dude's crazy in love with Superman for some reason. And remember when Kevin Smith was going to write and direct the next Fletch movie? Yeah, that's not gonna' happen. [via goldenfiddle.com]

M. Diddy to start her own music label. Suge Knight to retire from the business. Coincidence?

Check Baby, Check Baby, One Two Three Four

2005-10-03T13:06:00.000-06:00

Paris² is now √Paris². I'm going to forward this formula to my bros at the Sandia Laboratories. I think there might be some implications in the field of particle theory. And bros, you're welcome.

Remember when we all thought that the j'adorable Hannah Spearritt would be S Club 7's first breakout star? Well, Miss Spearitt's ten minutes of screen time in Cody Banks: 2 (actually a highly watchable movie) aside, it looks like that honor will be going to the less j'adorable, but more sultry x's ∞, Rachel Stevens. ONTD has the cover art for her new album, which becomes available for purchase in pounds sterling on October 10th, and features sterling production by the likes of Missing Wallet favorite, Richard X. Is it me or does it look like all she wants to do is zoom-a-zoom-zoom-zoom and a poom-poom?

Stereogum has a link to the second leak from the new Strokes album. I say it's a sweet little jam.

If it's Saturday at One A.M. , it's The Mystery of the Missing Wallet

2005-10-01T01:04:00.000-06:00

NBC New's Andrea Mitchell was in Bountiful, Utah last night, and The Mystery of the Missing Wallet was on the scene (with his mother) to bring you all of the details. Ms. Mitchell was in town for a signing of her recently published memoir, Talking Back, and being a huge fan of Meet the Press, Hardball, and NBC News in general, I showed up to hear her speak. She went through a brief schpiel about some of the more personal stories covered in her book (e.g., how she got into journalism; how she met her husband, Alan Greenspan) and then finished the lecture portion of the evening with words of encouragement for people facing setbacks in their careers. I found her words inspirational, but seeing as how I was one of maybe ten people in attendance without an AARP membership, I'm not sure that the audience shared my opinion.

Following her lecture, Ms. Mitchell took questions on all of the hot topics (Valerie Plame/Scooter Libby, Iraq, etc.), but her most interesting comments came in response to the question, "Colin Powell. What happened to that guy?" Ms. Mitchell explained that she had been saddened by what had happened to her friend, Mr. Powell. It seems that he is lees than proud his appearance at the U.N. prior to the Iraq invasion and that his experiences with the Bush administration left him embittered. She said he no longer has political aspirations of any kind. That's sad; he was a good dude.

I took a picture of my mother with Ms. Mitchell, but moms objected to having her picture published on these illustrious pages, so here's half of that photo.

And for all of you Ayn Rand fanatics playing at home, having met Ms. Mitchell, I'm now only three degrees removed from Ms. Rand, herself. It goes like this: I met Ms. Mitchell last night. Ms. Mitchell is married to Chairman of the Federal Reserve, Alan Greenspan. Mr. Greenspan was member of Ms. Rand's intellectual salon, as well as her close friend. And finally, Ayn Rand co-starred with Kevin Bacon in Footloose. Bam!

The book signing also offered the chance to peep local news-hottie, KSL's Samantha Hayes, who introduced Ms. Mitchell at the beginning of the program. She looks a bit overly coiffed in this photo, but trust me, she's hot. Also, she's from Georgia, and it's fun trying to pick out the remnants of her coastal-Southern accent in her adopted "news anchor" dialect.

This is fun. A series of images before and after their alteration by a professional photo retoucher. [via D-Listed]

Also, did any of you know that that guy, Carlos Mencia, who has a show on Comedy Central and who the whole world assumes is of Chicano heritage is actually a Euro-Honduran named Ned Holness? He's apparently notorious for biting the material [scroll down a little bit] of other comics. All I know is that the one time I watched his show he was desperately trying to sell this joke about how fax machines were a completely obsolete technology and only used by squares. The joke fell flat because...um...everyone still uses fax machines. If that's the kind of material he's stealing, he's really got problems.

Heck of a Job

2005-09-29T01:11:00.000-06:00

How do you go from this (i.e., "so hot right now")...

...to this (i.e., "Who's the crack-head with the 'stache?"), in like two days?

This is just devastating. Miss Lohan, who's your stylist? Because, it appears this person has no idea what they are doing . What, is it like you mom's old college roommate? Did she once work closely with show horses? Because, only someone with a deep fondness for horses would weave that Seabiscuit lookin' hair back into the sleek haircut you were sporting last week.

Readers, its time to act. We can't leave things as important as Miss Lohan's hair in the hands of dilletantes. We must call for an end to cronyism in the Lohan administration, IMMEDIATELY!

Fluxblog has Hollertronix' "Tippin' Toxic." It is so choice. If you have the means, I highly recommend picking it up.

My Posse's on the Champs Elysse!

2005-09-28T00:52:00.000-06:00

The Supreme Court has granted certiorari to Anna Nicole Smith. This has Justice Thomas written all over it. It looks like he's cooked up a little "welcome to the bench" partaay for his main man, John G. You know Thomas was all like, "Dawgs, now that the old lady and that prig, the Chief, are gone, we need to get us some fine honeys up in this piece." But Anna's involvement should make for interesting courtroom action. I bet we see amici curiae from the likes of Bobby Trendy, Hef, the dude that invented Trim-Spa, and Georges Marciano for GUESS?™ [Link via ONTD.]

Tour de France? More like Tour de Zack, with Slater and Screech in supporting roles as les domestiques. Apparently, TV's Mark-Paul Gosselaar is all into cycling at the moment. This kind of reminds me of that time when Geena Davis almost made it onto the Olympic archery team. Hey, Geena and Mark-Paul: Good for you, guys! But at the same time weird for me, guys.

Thanks to Sir Mix-a-Lot for this post's title.

But Watch Yo'self!

2005-09-27T00:34:00.000-06:00

Diddy and me, "Livin' it up!"

In an unrelated story: Remember when I told you to stay out of banks in Utah, lest ye be tasered in the nards. Well, same thing applies to stadiums in Arizona. They even hand out commendations for nard tasering in that place.

Samantha Fox was Such a Wild Dame!

2005-09-26T23:06:00.000-06:00

You know what song I'm really into at the moment? The Richard X remix of Gwen Stefani's "Cool," which is available for the download (as opposed to the down-low, which is Eddie Murphy's department) at Fluxblog. I think the remix is an improvement on the original production by Dallas Austin, but Richard X's presence isn't the only reason I'm digging on it. The song's great for a couple of reasons. First, it's freestyle, yo. Growing up in Miami, I was huge fan of freestyle. Information Society had to have been my favorite, but I listened to all of it, Debbie Gibson included, as is clearly demonstrated by that 12" version of "Shake Your Love" pictured below.
Check out the gun of an arm on that dude.

Anyway, I think that the appearance of songs like this one, coupled with things like the Black Eyed Peas' reworking of Lisa Lisa & The Cult Jam's "I Wonder if I Take You Home" are signaling a resurgence of interest in freestyle. Cool.

Another reason I like "Cool" is that it describes a set of emotions that aren't common songwriting fodder. While countless songs have been written about the ecstasy of being in love, or the heartbreak of being dumped, this song is just about being cool with another person. I like that.

Lastly, I think the sample of ringing bells is from "Do They Know it's Christmas?" How cool is that?

Bustin' Makes Me Feel Good!

2005-09-26T01:22:00.000-06:00

The Los Angeles Times reports that the Getty Museum knowingly acquired looted works of art. The real shocker isn't that the Getty would stoop to this, but that New Orleans area convenience and liquor stores were such art-world hot-spots.

Actress and Tara Reid look-alike, Taryn Manning, claims to have had an out-of-body experience when she learned that her JetBlue flight would be making an emergency landing. She should have kept that information to herself. Besides having to deal with the stress of surviving a frightening situation, the passengers of that flight now have to worry about the cooties they could have been infected with by coming into contact with Ms. Manning's astrally projected homunculus. This sounds like a case for the Ghostbusters.

If you are a fan of the WinMX peer-to-peer network and were disappointed by its shut-down last week, you may want to read this and/or this.

Cool It Now

2005-09-22T01:25:00.000-06:00

This story is literally everywhere, including the tip of Gideon Yago's tongue, which is where I learned of it during an MTV News Brief (You hear it...wika wika wika wika...first! Onomatopoeia, yo). It's the return of the red. And Mt. Olympus appropriate evening attire aside (Dionysus says, "Holla!"), I say Miss Lohan looks more lovely than ever.

It looks like Eddie Murphy - previously featured in the pages of the Missing Wallet for his fascination with the man-tastic Mariah Carey - is into dudes.

Déjà Vu?

2005-09-22T00:59:00.000-06:00

I saw this picture while looking through a book of photos compiled by The Miami Herald in the wake of Hurricane Andrew. Eerily familiar. I'm hoping that Rita will be handled better, but having watched those two Fred Friendly seminars on PBS this week, I'm not expecting it. Did you watch those things? I thought we had learned our lesson about sharing and being forthcoming with resources and information following 9/11. Apparently this was not the case.

Curse You, Jack Osbourne!

2005-09-21T01:15:00.000-06:00

It appears that Jack Osbourne has become the newly minted dopplegänger of yours truly (replacing his predecessor, Jim Verraros). I usually don't appreciate when dudes steal my look, but perhaps in this instance the uncanny resemblance can be used to my advantage. See, Jack's parents are loaded. All I've got to do is learn some cockney rhyming slang, waltz into Casa de Osbourne, and then be all like, "'Ello guv'na. It's me, ya' bath bun. Could ya' spot a chap a bit o' the ol' fluffy?" I'll walk out of that place with a backpack full of pounds sterling, yo!

By the way, although the backdrops in each of the photos appear similar, the photos were taken at two separate events. Jack's photo appears to have been taken at some party sponsored by Us Weekly and Skyy Vodka. My photo, on the other hand, was taken at a gala sponsored by The Mystery of the Missing Wallet Industries, which is a wholly owned subsidiary of the Sprite™ Corporation ("Obey Your Thirst!"), which is itself a wholly owned subsidiary of lemonade.

This is useful for determining which of the several United States your forebears and/or progeny reside. But if you're old enough to have more than a few peeps in your "progeny" category, you probably shouldn't be reading this blog anyway, so nevermind.

The book this this film will be based on was a great read. It has lots of weird stuff about the Bohemian Grove and the Bilderberg group in it. But its going to take some mad creativity to turn it into a shootable script. Mike White is going to encounter the same kinds of problems that Charlie Kaufman encountered when turning The Orchid Thief into Adaptation. But that movie turned out well, so perhaps this one will as well.