Hammer Time!

Word to your mother.

Jacques Cousteau Could Never Get This Low

Fact: Heather Robinson, an America On-Line customer service representative, sold her pitch for the Hillary Duff vehicle The Perfect Man by stealing Carrie Fisher's e-mail address from an AOL database, stalking her for a while, then sending her copy of the treatment. Ms. Fisher pimped the idea, the movie was made, and now Robinson and Fischer are, like, BFFs 4-ever, with Ms. Fisher set to star in a memoir film about Ms. Robinson's rise to Holywood prominence.

Fact: James Blunt, a former British army officer, scored a lucrative record deal when Carrie Fisher put his demo in the hands of the right people following Blunt's three-month residence in Leia's pool house. Whether or not Ms. Fisher's demo-pimping services were rendered as thanks for Mr. Blunt's performance of additional duties as Ms. Fisher's "pool boy" (if you know what I mean) is irrelevant. A deal was made and Mr. Blunt went on to score a number-one hit with the stalkerish "You're Beautiful."

Now just throw in some stuff about a dude with a serious Indiana Jones complex, and a little freaky-deaky, hieros gamos style, and we have ourselves the outline of the latest novel from The Mystery of the Missing Wallet Center for Advanced Future Studies Press. The novel, of course, is entitled Da Mystery of Chessboxin' da Vinci Code, and through the course of the novel it is revealed that Carrie Fisher has one wicked jones for taking in and rehabilitating creepy strays. It's publishing gold.

I originally saw this posted on the Lily Allen thread on ILX: Sasha Frere-Jones dicususses the seemingly hit-or-miss nature of British pop-music in the U.S.

Punch Hands!

I've been meaning to redesign the t-shirt ever since I heard dude made the FBI's "most wanted" list.

Speaking of fugitives: does anyone know what's up with fugitive-from-the-movie-screen Michelle Pfeiffer (aka, the original Angelina Jolie)? She's been M.I.A. for, like, years now. I hope she hasn't caught a case of THAFPS (Teri Hatcher Acute [even though there ain't ah-nothin' ah-cute about Teri Hatcher...zing!] Facial Paralysis Syndrome).

This Week in Boobs

From today's newspaper: Apparently, a functioning colon earns you a face-full of boobs.















Larry David and his wife Laurie are die-hard environmental activists. Laurie produced Al Gore's new movie, An Inconvenient Truth, and has big boobs.

Al Gore is pictured in Cannes, France, enjoying an afternoon sreening with with the two. (The boobs, not the Davids.)






Teri Hatcher is now a best-selling author. The poor man's Alyssa Milano (aka the corpse of Phoebe Cates) has written a book detailing her "philosophy on life" and people seem to be clamoring to read it. Unless this "philosophy" is some crazy-ass UNAbomber-type manifesto, count me out.

R.I.P., Ms. Cates. We hardly knew ye.

Feels So Good

Zack Morris and his wife have given birth to their second child. Whe knew he had a first child...or a wife for that matter? Last I heard, dude was totally into cycling.

Anyway, the news inspired me to design an hilarious t-shirt. Watch for it wherever the kids buy their waggish t-shirts these days. Spencer's Gifts? Mega Lo Mart?

Hear the flugelhornist get wicked!

Do You Know How this Beat is Made in F***ing London?

Possible summer jam alert: I'm getting the same vibe from Lily Allen's "LDN" as the one I got last year when I first heard Natasha Bedingfield's "These Words." The smell of across-the-pond crossover-hit is in the air. She seems to be blowing up across the blogosphere, but I credit Pardon My Freedom (one of the Missing Wallet's favorite music-blog reads) with my initial introduction.

The picture at right was stolen from Miss Allen's MySpace page. Does she remind you of anyone? The resemblance to Jennifer/Veronica is eerie, right? I mean, apart from having human-sized boobs she's the spitting image.

In our second story originating from the UK, I caught the first episode of Jamie Oliver's School Lunch Project on The Learning Channel tonight. I guess the peeps at TLC retitled the American airing because they figured we're too stupid to figure out that what we call "lunch" the Brits call "dinner," If you're already a fan of The Naked Chef, check it out if only to see the normally jovial Mr. Oliver trade "bugger offs" with his lunch-lady staff. Monday nights. Wah gwon?

Obscurity Knocks

As if it wasn't bad enough that the FCC was keeping us from checking out normal, frontal cleavage during our late-night infomercials, it now appears that they're going after side boob as well.

Here's a screen shot of a conversation between Jennifer/Veronica and Jennifer/Veronica as it appeared on the evening of April 25. Side boob is in full effect.

Now, a screen shot from the night of April 28. Jennifer/Veronica's side boob has been partially obscured. Is this the result of skittishness about possible federal fines, or have Jennifer/Veronica's boobs simply grown so massive that the image being distorted by a gravitational lens? You be the judge!

This Week in... Bidness

As previously reported in the Missing Wallet, JW Marriott Jr., Chairman and CEO of the Marriott chain of hotels, is really into a good tax scam. As reported this week in TIME, his latest scam involves housing cows at his Courtyard by Marriott hotels in order to benefit from the reduced property-tax liability afforded to agricultural properties. Both Michael Jackson and President Bush have used the same scam to lower the property-tax bills on their Neverland and Crawford, Texas "ranches." Scamming money away from school budgets and police payrolls is a an innovative business practice, and the Missing Wallet applauds Mr. Marriott's acumen. Way to keep those dividends rolling, J. Dub!

Speaking of innovation: as reported in yesterday's Salt Lake Tribune, the polygamist-owned machine shop, Western Precision, has "in recent years garner[ed] two awards as a defense contractor for its innovative business practices." Some of Western Precision's innovative practices include not paying its employees and constructing its facilities with "donated" [read: "coerced"] labor and materials. Way to go, Western Precision, way to go, polygamy! You truly are captains of industry.